Triple H Reveals Record-Breaking Third Female Character Archetype

[Corey Arbor]

Following the success of WWE’s newest PLE “Eternal Conquerors,” Paul “Triple H” Levesque teased the pro-wrestling world with an announcement that would shake the foundations of the entire business and cause ripples for decades to come, just like the previous six times this year alone. The following is a transcript taken from the arranged, carefully cultivated press-conference, brought back after every single journalist was induced to sign a series of NDAs that would promise legal recourse if they asked any ‘out-of-bounds’ questions about the real controversies surrounding the billion dollar, publicly traded company.

TRANSCRIPT FROM PRESS CONFERENCE FOLLOWING PLE ‘ETERNAL CONQUERERS’

Paul Levesque: Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. [pauses for 5 uninterrupted minutes of applause from 50% of the junket] I’m absolutely thrilled [audible nose clear] to-uh- announce that-uh-in light of the record-shattering gate for my totally original concept Premium Live Feature Event ‘Eternal Conquerors,’ that I have -uh-discovered, completely independently and with my own…brilliant mind…a new, untapped reserve of wrestling…

[cameras flash, murmurs from the junket]

Journalist: Hi! Ariel Hellwani, apparent actual journalist! Lord Levesque, what’s it like being at the forefront of pro-wrestling as entertainment and the Single Greatest Live Show Ever in the History of Entertainment Era in pro-wrestling?

Levesque: Wow. What an amazingly trenchant question. Not the kind of thing you expect…at one of these pressers, huh? [pause for laughter, throat clear] Uh-well, it feels good. Really good. You know. When I took over creative in 2022 for-ahem-ah-uh-REASONS that never need to be spoken aloud again. I knew: we must. Do better. For instance: I made sure women had choices and options. They could-uh- be a blonde mean girl. Or they could be-uh-Harley Quinn. That is a record-breaking, gate-shattering double the amount of the previous creative team. Who did nothing wrong, to be clear. Absolutely-uh-nothing. Another question?

Journalist 2: Sean Ross Sapp, Fightful Select. There have been a lot of rumblings about another price hike on the already-strained streaming service that used to be proudly touted for its affordability, any worries about pricing out the majority of fans who stuck with this company as it drove off 90% of viewers twice while holding a monopoly on the North American market?

Levesque: Wow, I didn’t know they [sound of papers rustling] stacked marks that high. [pause for laughter in-German] Thanks, Braun, or whatever, get a better name, next.

Journalist 3: Hi Trips-sama, may I…oh may I please call you Trips???

Levesque: Sure! Uh-we’re not really about names or-you know-standing on…formality…here.

Journalist 3: Yay, my life is complete. My name is irrelevant in the face of your glowing glory, I’m from a YouTube channel with 1.2 million subscribers that averages 72 views per video, I just want to know: what’s it like being the tip of the spear of a revolution in the newly-formed art of professional wrestling?

Levesque: Spear!? Heh, not as cool as a sword, but still a good one!-Uh-that is to say: Hey, that’s what we do here. Whether it’s my completely original character the-uh- Skull King: a barbaric outlander with a skull mask and sledge hammer who delivers-uh-what I call “Fatal-latalies” to his opponents, or what we’re here to talk about today: how I’m reinventing women for the 21st century. Uh-before we get there, though-[throat clears]- my intensive two week media training course is telling me-uh-we should probably take another couple of dumb, boring questions from assholes. Even though-uh- I’m about to revolutionize women like my wife Stephanie McMahon-Leves-[audible cough, nose clear]-uh, that is to say: Ms. McMahon. She did it…when she added the needed genetic material to a Y-chromosome and invented women in 2015. This-uh-is going to be just as big. Yeah, you? Ask me about women or something cooler…

Journalist 4: Do you feel like the WWE becoming much more public with its support of the Trump administration is alienating to some fans given the fascist policies they platform?

[Two large security guards pick up Journalist 4 and carry him out]

Levesque: Alright, let’s talk about some future plans: I’m now happy to reveal [audible nose clearing] yes: a THIRD archetype for our hot-ass ladies-uh-females! Hot-ass females to embody…that of the Film Starlet.

[applause over footage]

Journalist 5: Hi, Bryan Alva-

Levesque: Nope, next.

Journalist 6: Dave Meltz-

Levesque: Try again, next.

[handler whispers inaudibly to Mr. Levesque]

Levesque: Fiiiiiiiine, what?! WHAT?! DAVE? What can it POSSIBLY be this time?!

Dave Meltzer: Isn’t that just Toni Storm’s most recent video package run through a fairly obvious AI filter? I mean that woman is eight feet tall and has six eye-

Levesque: This conference is over, this is why we don’t do this crap anymore, it’s YOU PEOPL-

[handler clears throat, makes ‘money’ sign with his fingers]

Levesque: Uh-no. That is not true, what you just said isn’t true. Goodbye.

[A smokebomb goes off, the conference ends abruptly]

The post Triple H Reveals Record-Breaking Third Female Character Archetype appeared first on Hard Drive.

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