S
Shaant
Guest
Understanding the hidden reasons behind our everyday deceptions.
Photo by Jametlene Reskp on Unsplash
Weโve all experienced this, the innocent lie turns into so much more complicated. At first, itโs a little white lie, a quick way to douse confrontation, or to keep a conversation interesting.
But then it grows. You blink, and youโre lying not just to others, but to yourself.
We are not only socially conditioned to do this, this is also instinctual, a survival skill that many of us donโt even understand, even while it affects us in large and small ways.
Why we lieโโโitโs a reflex, not a choice
I can remember the first time I found myself caught lying, there was no reason for it, other than it felt like it would come naturally.
I was having a conversation with a new friend and was constructing a story about my day. Nothing quantitatively grand, just a small detail, like explaining how I had been at a concert.
In that moment, it didnโt seem like I had a choice. The lie was reflexive. Instinctively, it just happened.
Later on, when I thought it through, I could see that I had no reason to lie. I wasnโt trying to impress anyone. It was just easier, more convenient, and perhaps a tiny bit safer.
Eventually, I started to recognize that this behavior was not all that unusual. The more I started to ponder my thinking, the more I started to appreciate how trivial and common these little, inconsequential lies can be, whether it is for avoidance of conflict, protecting a personโs feelings, or simply lying because it is easier than telling the truth.
But there is a caveat.
Call it whatever you want, these foliage deceptions build up. And like a poorly built house comprised of patio stones, the cracks start to appear.
Itโs the quintessential case of a โwhite lieโ gone awry. What started as a harmless fish tale has become a practice and pattern, which began to shape who we are.
I began to notice it in the people around me too, those that embellished their CVs, who over-exaggerated their experiences just to โget byโ in an adversarial environment.
Itโs easier than admitting vulnerability.
Ironically, these lies rarely provide any resolution to make us feel better; only that feeling all the more substance-less in the reality we sought to escape from.
The social consequences of lying
Lying is not only about you, it affects every person connected to you.
I can think of a couple lies to friends and co-workers that I created to avoid feeling uncomfortable.
The problem being, lies do not stay within the parameters of the conversation. They spread out in every direction, like ripples in a pond, to subtly infect peopleโs perception of me, and my perception of reciprocity with them.
One that sticks in my mind: I lied to my manager about being too busy dealing with personal issues to take on a new project.
The truth was that I did have the time, I was just uncomfortable with the idea of extra work ahead of me.
I knew I was good at what I did, but it was easier to lie than it was to address my reluctance.
The problem? My manager started to see me as an untrustworthy person.
Not an isolated lie, a pattern of hesitance and avoidance I had developed was starting to chip away at my integrity.
People rarely forget.
And although the consequences might have been relatively small at the start, it accumulated quickly.
Iโve witnessed this all too often in peopleโs careers.
Dishonesty, particularly in the work environment, can be a precarious position.
It begins with small lies, overstating competencies, embellishing experiences, etc., but ultimately becomes claustrophobic.
From experience, I have learned the cost of the lie has often been much higher than the discomfort that originally motivated the lie.
Why does dishonesty seem to reward some?
Itโs hard to deny the unsettling truth: dishonesty undeniably seems to achieve things, at least in the short term.
I have seen people lie their way into standing, essentially cheating the hard work and honesty of the others preceding them.
One of my friends is a classic case, as he would always drag things out to get the appearance of being more competent or superior, and therefore important.
I would find myself complaining and getting angry that other honest professionals, like me, were putting in the time and effort to be sincere and completely honest.
The odd thing about him is, he wasnโt a better worker than anyone else in our group.
What made him so different, aka โbetter,โ than others was his ability to lie, he could tell people exactly what they wanted to hear, made them feel as if he was completely aligned with each of their interests. Meanwhile, he used that trust as an instrument in working towards his own ends.
In an environment that seems to often reward self-promotion at the expense of legitimate work, dishonesty may be the pathway to success.
But hereโs the caveat: Iโve witnessed the long-term effects of dishonesty.
A few years down the line, that very same friend had noticed he was fairly lonely and his career had crumbled.
No one trusted him anymore.
His ascension had genuinely been based on lies, and he could not outrun them forever.
Success based on dishonesty might feel like a cheat code, but it is rarely outlasted.
The success that lasts is built on trust and authenticity.
This is something I learned the hard way.
The cost of lying to ourselves
Though some may consider telling other people lies in the manner which I outline here as the most pernicious form of lying, they would be mistaken.
The truth is, the worse form of lying occurs when you lie to yourself.
I remember when I began to believe the lies I told. At first, innocent: โIโm too busyโ morphed to โI am gonna deserve to take a breakโ and โI donโt have timeโ became โI am just not that interested.โ
Over time, these lies developed into self-deceptions which formed the way I viewed my own self.
I deceived myself about my interests, my passions, my goals and even my value.
Self-deceit of this sort (what I mean is to yourself) is perhaps one of the most damaging.
We create a public version of self and that version doesnโt fully connect with who we are, or who we want to be.
It is much easier to hide behind that deception rather than face the discomfort that comes with being self-aware.
In the long run, you will create emotional discord that cannot be fixed or addressed in a meaningful manner, only disorientation that finds you feeling unbearably uneasy.
The result may come as a very harsh reality: Truth, as painful as it may be, is what leads us to be closer to who we really are.
At the end of the day, the biggest lie we tell is the one we tell ourselves.
It becomes a vicious cycle: we lie to avoid discomfort, and then we lie to ourselves in order to believe everything is fine.
Eventually, we all must face the truth, otherwise we will never have the opportunity to discover who we were meant to be.
How honesty can change our lives
It requires reframing our view of lying to stop lying.
The first step is knowing why we lie and the emotional and psychological costs we incur when we lie.
For me, it was learning to be vulnerable.
Being honest with myself, with others, and the world around me, uncomfortable as it may feel, I found more authenticity, more connection, and ultimately more peace.
I donโt mean to make it sound like stopping lying is easy. I know itโs not.
But every time Iโve chosen to be honest rather than take a shortcut to convenience, I have been compensated in ways that considerably outpaced the comfort of the lie.
Itโs not about telling everyone the brutal truth, itโs about being genuine, about being accepting of ourselves and other people as we all are.
That is where we find true success.
The truth will set you free
Honesty doesnโt just change our relationships; it changes us.
In a world filled with lies, little and big, honesty is an act of rebellion against those pressures to exaggerate, lie, and escape.
It is a rebellion against the pressures, beliefs, and stories in our minds that push us to allow the small, but unreasonable lies to take us away from what we are truly capable of.
When we drop the lies in our lives, we can become who we were always meant to be.
The truth isnโt always comfortable, but it is usually freeing.
The Silent Epidemic of Why People Lie Daily was originally published in Write A Catalyst on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
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