U
/u/JadedVast1304
Guest
So, my (33F) partner (30F) had a colectomy early this year. Meaning, her colon was removed and now she has a stoma. Basically, she now poos into a bag on her stomach. And she has some scarring. Obviously been through something majorly traumatic. Since the surgery (a while before really), we have not been intimate. No sex. Not even much non-sexual intimacy. She has not wanted to be touched and Iβve tried to respect her desire for space. Now though, itβs gone on so long that I donβt think either of us knows how to get back into it.
To me, this change is not something that impacts my attraction to her in any way. Sheβs so much healthier now and sheβs not in pain all the time anymore and itβs just a net positive all around for her health and well-being. She's one of the most beautiful humans I've ever seen in my life, and a medical device does not impact that in the slightest. Meanwhile it's very clear to me that her body image is at an all time low since this all happened. Itβs very obvious sheβs less confident, probably struggling with depression, definitely isolating to some degree.
Weβve talked a bit, and we both want to take steps but everything feels awkward now. Sheβs not confident, and my verbal reassurance might help some but also feels awkward and clunky and weird because she never doubted how much I wanted her before all this happened and the more I try to be reassuring the weirder it all feels, but if I try to go about business as usual it also gets weird because some things are in fact different and need to be considered. Sheβs not someone who likes to talk things through at length, she never has been and thatβs still the same way. She doesnβt really want me to see her without a shirt on, still. Doesnβt want me to touch or be too close to that part of her body. And thatβs okay. I wish it was different, but I would never push. But even the tiniest baby steps feel so awkward now.
I barely know how to approach a hug, I lay in bed every night wanting to cuddle her but not wanting to make her uncomfortable so I just... don't.
The other day was the first time sheβs really kissed me, like a proper, deep kiss in months and months (really the first time sheβs initiated anything intimate in a very long time) but then I cried which promptly put a stop to it. I think I was overwhelmed, I donβt know. Iβve gotten so used to her not wanting it, or becoming uncomfortable when I try to initiate anything at all that Iβm super hesitant, to the point where now I worry she thinks I donβt try because I donβt want it anymore.
How do you get back to intimacy after trauma like this?
submitted by /u/JadedVast1304
[link] [comments]
View Full Post
To me, this change is not something that impacts my attraction to her in any way. Sheβs so much healthier now and sheβs not in pain all the time anymore and itβs just a net positive all around for her health and well-being. She's one of the most beautiful humans I've ever seen in my life, and a medical device does not impact that in the slightest. Meanwhile it's very clear to me that her body image is at an all time low since this all happened. Itβs very obvious sheβs less confident, probably struggling with depression, definitely isolating to some degree.
Weβve talked a bit, and we both want to take steps but everything feels awkward now. Sheβs not confident, and my verbal reassurance might help some but also feels awkward and clunky and weird because she never doubted how much I wanted her before all this happened and the more I try to be reassuring the weirder it all feels, but if I try to go about business as usual it also gets weird because some things are in fact different and need to be considered. Sheβs not someone who likes to talk things through at length, she never has been and thatβs still the same way. She doesnβt really want me to see her without a shirt on, still. Doesnβt want me to touch or be too close to that part of her body. And thatβs okay. I wish it was different, but I would never push. But even the tiniest baby steps feel so awkward now.
I barely know how to approach a hug, I lay in bed every night wanting to cuddle her but not wanting to make her uncomfortable so I just... don't.
The other day was the first time sheβs really kissed me, like a proper, deep kiss in months and months (really the first time sheβs initiated anything intimate in a very long time) but then I cried which promptly put a stop to it. I think I was overwhelmed, I donβt know. Iβve gotten so used to her not wanting it, or becoming uncomfortable when I try to initiate anything at all that Iβm super hesitant, to the point where now I worry she thinks I donβt try because I donβt want it anymore.
How do you get back to intimacy after trauma like this?
submitted by /u/JadedVast1304
[link] [comments]
View Full Post
