J
Jerrod Kingery
Guest
ST. LOUIS โ Local 43-year-old Randall Bakos spiraled into an existential crisis after spotting a bright pink container of Bubble Tape near a CVS cash register and immediately realizing that he is now the โthemโ the novelty gum is not intended for, confirmed sources.
โThere I was about to grab a tube of Icy Hot following a routine 15 minutes of light jogging when I spotted the Bubble Tap and the commercial jingle ran through my head: โSix feet of bubble gum, for you, not them!โโ Bakos lamented. โI was a kid then, so obviously I was the target audience, but fuck, is it morally reprehensible for me to like Bubble Tape now, at my age? Shit, I never thought Iโd live to see the day to be the โthem.โ As a side note, Iโm pretty stoked that Count Chocula and Franken Berry are gonna be back on shelves soon for Halloween. Hopefully thatโs a product society as a whole will still allow me to consume.โ
Hubba Bubba spokesperson James Williamson credits the companyโs precision marketing for making Bakos reconsider his purchase.
โThat this campaign has stuck with Mr. Bakos for the better part of 40 years points to the brilliance of our marketing team, even though our gum loses all flavor within six minutes of popping in your mouth,โ Williamson said. โOf course Mr. Bakos is more than welcome to purchase the Bubble Tape, but we think heโd best be served by enjoying it in the privacy of his own home, far away from the eyeballs of teenagers, children, and law enforcement, lest he look like an immature dipshit and be ridiculed in public.โ
Behavioral psychologist Karen Morales notes that the questions Bakos is asking himself about his fondness for things intended for children are a rite of passage among Millennials.
โAs we get older, time seems to pass more quickly,โ Morales said. โAnd now as weโre seeing these โ80s and โ90s kids hit middle age, they start to panic when they do the math and figure out that โThe Dark Knightโ is 20 years old, or that โFamily Guyโ premiered when Bill Clinton was still in office. And donโt get me started on the damage Funko Pops have done. Seriously, no one should be able to buy anything featuring a character like fucking B.A. Baracus from a half-remembered TV show in the year 2025.โ
At press time, the childless Bakos was seen scanning a bag of dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets at the self-checkout, trying to remember if it had a commercial that excluded him from purchasing.
The post Aging Millennial Sadly Realizes Heโs Now the โThemโ Bubble Tape Is Not For appeared first on The Hard Times.
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โThere I was about to grab a tube of Icy Hot following a routine 15 minutes of light jogging when I spotted the Bubble Tap and the commercial jingle ran through my head: โSix feet of bubble gum, for you, not them!โโ Bakos lamented. โI was a kid then, so obviously I was the target audience, but fuck, is it morally reprehensible for me to like Bubble Tape now, at my age? Shit, I never thought Iโd live to see the day to be the โthem.โ As a side note, Iโm pretty stoked that Count Chocula and Franken Berry are gonna be back on shelves soon for Halloween. Hopefully thatโs a product society as a whole will still allow me to consume.โ
Hubba Bubba spokesperson James Williamson credits the companyโs precision marketing for making Bakos reconsider his purchase.
โThat this campaign has stuck with Mr. Bakos for the better part of 40 years points to the brilliance of our marketing team, even though our gum loses all flavor within six minutes of popping in your mouth,โ Williamson said. โOf course Mr. Bakos is more than welcome to purchase the Bubble Tape, but we think heโd best be served by enjoying it in the privacy of his own home, far away from the eyeballs of teenagers, children, and law enforcement, lest he look like an immature dipshit and be ridiculed in public.โ
Behavioral psychologist Karen Morales notes that the questions Bakos is asking himself about his fondness for things intended for children are a rite of passage among Millennials.
โAs we get older, time seems to pass more quickly,โ Morales said. โAnd now as weโre seeing these โ80s and โ90s kids hit middle age, they start to panic when they do the math and figure out that โThe Dark Knightโ is 20 years old, or that โFamily Guyโ premiered when Bill Clinton was still in office. And donโt get me started on the damage Funko Pops have done. Seriously, no one should be able to buy anything featuring a character like fucking B.A. Baracus from a half-remembered TV show in the year 2025.โ
At press time, the childless Bakos was seen scanning a bag of dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets at the self-checkout, trying to remember if it had a commercial that excluded him from purchasing.
The post Aging Millennial Sadly Realizes Heโs Now the โThemโ Bubble Tape Is Not For appeared first on The Hard Times.
Continue reading...
