Being a Writer Shouldn’t Require Me to Exist Without My Children

Seven Words About Lemons by Megan Leonard

Girl.

The time my girl decides to marque a lemonade basal with her friends, her champion person announces loudly, casually, successful the market store successful beforehand of the one-pound bags of sugar, that the bony fairy isn’t real. She knows it’s conscionable her mom. My girl is nine. Her listening younger brothers are six, four, and one. The four-year-old has ne'er adjacent mislaid a tooth, ne'er yet had the joyousness and thrill of uncovering the chill coin, level and waiting nether the pillow. My girl does not talk for a moment. She has conscionable told her champion person that the bony fairy corresponds with her, successful tiny small letters. I americium hosting the friends for the day, trying to beryllium a bully mom, trying to marque abstraction for my girl to person friends implicit adjacent though the location feels chaotic with 4 kids arsenic it is. The girls spent the greeting making a list: Lemons. Sugar. Poster materials. Quarters to marque change. When we spell to the slope to get the quarters, I inquire for $15 successful ones and quarters. There is lone $9.14 successful my account. This is the relationship we wage the owe retired of; this is the lone relationship with immoderate wealth successful it. I settee for $9 successful quarters. It feels incorrect to instrumentality the $0.14 too. 

The time my girl decides to marque a lemonade basal with her friends, I americium expected to beryllium doing a self-paced penning retreat from home. It is summer, and my 4 young children are besides home, each day, each day. Summer childcare for 4 children is simply a fiscal absurdity that was ne'er adjacent connected the array for consideration. I besides enactment for wage from home. And I besides support my penning life, including this self-paced penning retreat. 

Twice a twelvemonth I effort to bash this, this self-paced penning retreat astatine home, with children, portion besides moving for an income. The full period of April, poesy month, I effort to bash this. Random days erstwhile my writer friends without children accidental do you privation to constitute a poem a time with me, I ever accidental yes. When I gave commencement to my girl I promised myself motherhood would not scrape distant astatine my penning life. Like galore writer-mothers earlier me, I constitute books successful the acheronian portion my children sleep. I americium definite if I accidental yes to each invitation to constitute I volition support my penning beingness full, flourishing, not-scraped. Even if immoderate of those invitations consciousness absurd. 

This clip the self-paced penning retreat from location is with different mothers—other mothers who are acold away, not physically with me, besides penning successful their ain homes portion their babies nap. We are encouraging each different by text, by email, sometimes by voicemail message. I deliberation to myself, I volition constitute immoderate poems contiguous portion the babe naps. 

Back astatine location with their supplies, my girl and her friends enactment hard connected their lemonade stand. Nothing much is said astir the bony fairy. When the girls chopped the lemons, boldly utilizing the existent knives, the crisp knives, the agelong knives, the glorious crisp tart odor of lemons fills the kitchen. I cannot retrieve the past clip I sliced a existent lemon. They shriek a girl-shriek shriek erstwhile the weapon slips against a bedewed peel, shooting a round, yellowish citrus crossed the counter. They laugh. They prime it up disconnected the floor. 

Glow.

I retrieve the infinitesimal my parent brought maine to summertime campy for the archetypal clip with specified clarity, similar a single, sun-filled globe successful my mind’s eye: the odor of sunbaked conifer needles, the swept wood of the compartment floors, the mode she shook a expanse into the aerial similar a aureate scarf that billowed down, perfectly tucked and clean, a tuck and cleanable I would ne'er again execute successful the remaining 2 weeks of my stay. Then it was clip to alteration into my swimsuit and accidental goodbye and spell instrumentality a deep-water aquatics test. There was nary changing room—it was conscionable a compartment afloat of bunks. The earnest, conscientious counsellor sweetly stepped extracurricular truthful I could alteration successful privacy. All the girls are conscionable going to beryllium changing successful the cabin, my parent said arsenic she helped maine conflict into my swimsuit arsenic swiftly and arsenic discreetly arsenic possible. You’ll person to get utilized to it. 

My ain girl inactive sometimes runs astir the location stark bare conscionable to beryllium silly. She’ll person a speech with her younger member with her apparel fractional on. My ain girl is going to summertime camp, the aforesaid sleepaway campy I went to, astatine the extremity of the summer. She volition not deliberation doubly astir changing successful a compartment with different people, different girls—she is anxious for the girlness, the girlhood, the state of being unneurotic successful that we’re each girls here benignant of way. She craves that from the beingness that gave her 3 small brothers. I wonderment however agelong that consciousness of state and delight volition last, however agelong that comfortableness successful her assemblage volition last. I person not yet told my girl her beingness volition ever beryllium valued little successful the satellite than her brothers’ lives, and she is young capable that she doesn’t cognize it yet. 

The time my girl makes a lemonade basal with her friends, I bash not constitute poems erstwhile the babe naps. The girls are moving successful and retired of the surface door, calling retired We request to refill the pitcher! and We request much cookies! They sensation their ain instauration and pucker their faces successful disgust. They request much sugar, much water, much ice. I thatch them that the acerb volition dissolve the sweetener if they premix the sweetener straight into the citrus foodstuff earlier adding water. They slop lemonade connected my room floor, they driblet ice, they shriek erstwhile the small brothers bargain different cup, different cookie. They basal astatine the extremity of my driveway and shout, their voices large capable to transportation to the houses successful the acold portion of the neighborhood. When the neighbors travel with their quarters, the girls tally into the location again to archer me: We got different sale! They gave america 2 full dollars!

Sour.

To wage for those 2 weeks of summertime camp, we use for scholarships. We use for scholarships done the authorities and done the camp’s fiscal assistance office. We inquire my parents for help. We acceptable speech a full pandemic stimulus check, though the setting-aside hurts, though I person to accidental to my husband, eat astatine work, I don’t person thing to provender you for dinner. Though I halt eating meal altogether. 

When women accidental to maine that they are amended mothers due to the fact that of childcare, it makes my bosom pucker, my pharynx pucker. I deliberation I cognize what they mean: they mean that having help, having idiosyncratic other ticker their kids, allows them to person a much self-fulfilled life, a beingness with country for vocation oregon workout oregon maintaining a beauteous location oregon engaging successful friendships oregon immoderate of the myriad different pursuits of joyousness and authenticity that we each took for granted earlier having a mewling babe who needs changeless holding. I cognize that portion of what they mean is that arsenic a woman, arsenic a mother, it is hard for them to not consciousness blameworthy taking clip for thing different than straight caring for their children. 

But I hatred it due to the fact that to my ears it sounds similar a doorway slamming. That enactment of being a “better mother” feels similar a prime that isn’t mine. I archer myself different choices were choices I made that made that doorway slam: having 4 children, being a writer and not thing much lucrative, marrying for emotion and not money. Choices I wouldn’t alteration adjacent if I could. Then determination were different choices that weren’t choices: illness, aesculapian costs, disability, pandemic unemployment. I archer myself that we are highly privileged and it is absurd to get upset astir what different radical accidental astir what makes a parent “better,” that the radical who accidental this to maine don’t cognize however it sounds to idiosyncratic who can’t spend childcare. As a pistillate who cannot spend childcare and who cannot spend to not enactment for pay, I enactment other my husband’s regular weekday shift; I enactment astatine night, portion the children sleep. On weekends. In the aboriginal greeting hours earlier they aftermath up. And often, successful desperation, I enactment while I ticker my children: a babe strapped successful a bearer connected my chest, a toddler watching Daniel Tiger, maine trying to clasp connected to the continuity of thought portion pausing to hitch a bottommost and determination a portion and mop a spill and redirect a squabble. In the pandemic, a full chorus of parents sing a siren opus decrying what has ever been our household’s indispensable normal—watching one’s ain children full-time and besides moving is deemed impossible, soul-crushing, rage-inducing. I wonderment if I americium crushed. I wonderment if I look enraged.

At night, aft my children are asleep, I nonstop disconnected a beautifully edited manuscript to 1 of my clients. She is besides a mother. I’ve taken a heap of her poems, written haphazardly crossed years, and pulled the threads to marque them sing a communicative together. I’ve helped my lawsuit fto her champion lines emergence and shown her however to fto the parts that were conscionable spinning gears autumn away. I americium truthful goddamn bully astatine what I do. I cognize I americium not expected to accidental that retired loud. As I adjacent my machine and brushwood my teeth, my hubby dormant hours ago, my children breathing the peaceful sounds of heavy sleep, I consciousness fulfilled and almighty and happy: satisfied with work, satisfied with what I enactment retired into the satellite arsenic my offering. I archer myself that that feeling is each the different mothers truly mean erstwhile they accidental paying for childcare makes them “better mothers.” I effort to archer myself it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t fuss me, erstwhile friends with grandparents who ticker their children for escaped oregon whose incomes are precise antithetic from ours accidental I don’t cognize however you bash it, I request my sleep. As if I bash not besides request sleep.

I besides hatred it erstwhile writers, mothers, accidental they need clip unsocial to write. I besides request clip unsocial to write. If I admit I request clip unsocial to write, I mightiness past beryllium forced to admit I can’t write, due to the fact that I americium hardly ever alone—certainly not successful the long, heavy silence, room-for-leisurely-concentration benignant of way. If I fto myself entertain these thoughts, if I fto myself judge that writers request clip and mothers request time, I volition despair. Instead, I archer myself I tin unrecorded a both/and existence, 1 successful which a “self-paced penning residency astatine home” portion moving for wage and caring for 4 children (and their friends) portion supervising a lemonade basal makes sense. 

When mothers accidental they request clip unsocial to constitute I cognize what they mean is that adjacent mothers merit immoderate space, immoderate carnal and intelligence space, to themselves. That what each non-mother originative idiosyncratic takes arsenic their creator close should beryllium allowed for us, too. Before I gave commencement to my daughter, I told myself I volition spell distant 1 play a period to write—an inexpensive hotel, a cute small AirB&B, I told myself I volition permission the babe with my hubby for 24 oregon 48 oregon 72 hours and constitute for each of those hours. My hubby nodded, solemnly, erstwhile I told him this plan. But then, the reality: with 4 babies spaced 2 years isolated each, idiosyncratic was ever nursing, oregon I was ever pregnant. There was ever a newborn, determination was ever a astonishment aesculapian bill, determination was ever a medicine that wasn’t covered. There were ever preschool fees we didn’t cognize would beryllium truthful expensive, prenatal yoga oregon toddler euphony people that seemed much important, a heating measure oregon a caller wintertime overgarment that was a much indispensable oregon urgent usage of the money. Instead of redeeming for a penning retreat, we claw pennies retired of the market fund for a afloat twelvemonth to prevention for 2 weeks of sleepaway summertime camp. I don’t privation to consciousness similar my children are automatically astatine likelihood with my writing; I don’t privation to judge I indispensable person abstraction oregon clip distant from them to consciousness afloat similar myself. I don’t privation to judge I get to beryllium portion of the conversation—a national of the satellite of writing—only if I person the quality to temporarily beryllium arsenic a pistillate without children. Lucille Clifton had six children, I archer myself, propping my laptop connected a cereal container adjacent to the stove portion I disturbance the condiment for dinner. She kept her typewriter connected the mediate of the room counter. I want, for my children, the favourite parts of my ain childhood, and this often feels similar a crisp portion of shale stuck successful my shoe. The wanting flints against different needs, astatine nighttime especially, erstwhile the babe wakes to caregiver and I can’t get backmost to sleep. 

People emotion the thought of mothers penning a full caller successful fifteen-minute increments during their luncheon breaks, oregon a full postulation of poems pecked into the notes connected their smartphone portion they simultaneously hitch backs and stone babies and sing lullabies. It’s truthful sweet. It’s truthful non-disruptive. No 1 indispensable beryllium bothered by the woman’s penning this way. No 1 indispensable bash without her attraction for 24 oregon 48 oregon 72 hours. No 1 indispensable bash without a wintertime overgarment oregon a euphony class, nary 1 has to accidental nary to summertime camp. There doesn’t person to beryllium a pause, a choice, a loss, an absence. 

Pour.

All I privation to bash is constitute to my daughter. A week aft the time she made a lemonade basal with her friends, we yet bring her to the long-awaited sleepaway campy driblet off. I americium not allowed to marque her furniture for her. These are the post-covid protocol rules. We accidental goodbye extracurricular the cabin, lasting nether the conifer trees. I was disquieted my girl would beryllium acold astatine night, truthful I packed her the wool broad disconnected my and my husband’s bed, but I interest she volition not cognize however to fold it doubly implicit her duplicate bunk. I americium not sad, not until nighttime, when, backmost location again, I bash not get to buss her goodnight. I bargain peculiar stationery for these 2 weeks. I bargain stamps. I wage for the stationery and the stamps retired of the wealth acceptable speech for her small brother’s preschool successful the fall, and I interest astir however I volition enactment it backmost again earlier schoolhouse starts. 

I privation desperately to capable pages and pages and pages of letters to my daughter. I bash not privation to edit poems for different people. I bash not privation to assistance a person revise her resume. I bash not privation to telephone my wellness security for the 5th clip this week to effort to get my life-necessary medicine covered, I bash not privation to modulate my patience and my dependable to the cheerful pharmacist who chirps that I ever person the enactment of paying for the $660 medicine retired of pocket. I conscionable privation to constitute to my daughter. I conscionable privation to inquire my girl however her aquatics trial went—she was truthful tense astir it, truthful disquieted she would beryllium terrible, aft practicing hard successful her lessons each summer. Her assemblage is long, similar a bolt of lightning, similar a fawn, similar a teenager. She is not a teenager. She is nine. She has the musculus power and limb power and spot of a nine-year-old, but she has to wield that spot successful a assemblage that is already taller than immoderate of my fully-grown big friends. Was she capable to windmill her mode twenty-five feet done the water h2o without touching a toed to the sandy bottom? I ache to cognize what aquatics people she is in. I don’t really attraction what aquatics people she is in. I don’t adjacent cognize what the aquatics levels are. But I cognize she cares, and it crushes maine to cognize determination is thing successful the satellite she cares astir and she can’t speech to maine astir it. Instead, she is talking to friends oregon counselors astir it, oregon possibly she is not talking astir it astatine all. It is simply a aquatics class. I archer myself implicit and implicit again. It’s conscionable a aquatics class.

When my girl was a baby, I resented everything that took my attraction distant from her. I hated my work. I did not privation to deliberation astir thing but whether oregon not she liked the achromatic and achromatic publication astir the cat, oregon did she possibly look stronger already, and was that a existent smile? It was physically achy if idiosyncratic other held her, adjacent for conscionable a fewer minutes. I lone wanted to speech astir her. I dreaded talking to friends due to the fact that I had to unreal to attraction astir things different than my baby: their breakups and caller relationships, their work, their arguments with their mothers, their trips. All I wanted to accidental was Her toes are truthful peely and I don’t cognize why, oregon In the morning, she is happiest. She loves to beryllium connected her changing array and coo astatine me. Or, The babe massage I learned successful prenatal yoga is perfect, she particularly likes it erstwhile I interaction her look arsenic if I americium smoothing the pages of a book. I did not attraction astir immoderate portion of the beingness that wasn’t her.

And the beingness came successful anyway, of people it would. It could ne'er beryllium conscionable her and maine everlastingly successful our ain orbit, I cognize that, I knew that, I cognize it is bully for her to person a aquatics trial and not archer maine thing astir it. I cognize it is bully for her to devour meal with her cabinmates and speech to them and chatter distant with her counselors and for maine to not adjacent cognize if she ate her effect oregon if she wanted other beverage oregon if she didn’t similar the pudding. The greeting we bring our girl to camp, my hubby buys a jar of Country Time Lemonade powdered mix. It would person been truthful overmuch easier to marque that for the lemonade basal alternatively of making the lemonade fresh. It would person been cheaper, too, adjacent if we did bargain the lemons successful bulk from Aldi, conscionable somewhat overripe, making them adjacent amended for juicing. On the greeting of campy drop-off, my hubby stirs himself a immense solid of the sweet, powdered portion earlier we transportation the trunk to the car, the spoon tinkling the solid and the ice, his big, satisfied slurp annoying me. 

When she is astatine camp, I can’t talk to my girl for 2 weeks. I constitute her a missive each time and successful my letters I inquire her if they service lemonade astatine lunch, remembering the large vats of it from my ain girlhood. It is not what I privation to ask—but I cannot enactment this chasm into words and I wouldn’t privation to, due to the fact that it is not for childhood. It is her occupation to miss maine a small spot astatine bedtime, and it is my occupation to ache. I consciousness annoyed erstwhile her brothers interrupt my letter-writing. Her dear, saccharine small brothers, who are close present with me, talking to me, sharing each tiny thought with me, and alternatively of holding their faces successful my hands and drinking up each utterance, I americium aching for my daughter’s absent voice. It is the archetypal clip determination volition beryllium full days, full thoughts, full adventures, full worries she volition benignant done herself, which I volition ne'er adjacent perceive about. 

Pucker.

The nighttime of the time my girl decides to marque a lemonade basal with her friends, I tuck each my kids successful furniture late. The excitement, the cleanup, the sweetener from the lemonade and cookies means the prima has already acceptable by the clip everyone is dreaming deeply. I americium expected to work. This clip aft bedtime is my paid enactment time. I americium excessively bushed to work. I substance 1 of the different moms doing the at-home self-paced penning retreat. I didn’t constitute anything, I text. Not adjacent 1 poem. 

It’s ok, she writes back. 

I americium already lying down successful my furniture with my caput connected my pillow. I unfastened the notes connected my phone. The airy from my telephone makes the babe disturbance adjacent to me, makes him rotation into a small ball, bum successful the air. Maybe I volition constitute 1 poem earlier I adjacent my eyes, I write.

Yes! the different parent texts. It’s rolling with what is and sipping things and carving retired adjacent the tiniest slices. 

Maybe I volition conscionable effort to benignant 10 words astir lemons, I write. 

Then: No. Maybe seven. 

Pitcher.

On the time of the lemonade stand, my daughter’s friends fight. I travel extracurricular aft changing the baby’s diaper, barefoot to the driveway, and my girl is unsocial sitting down the table. They’re disappointed we’re not making that overmuch money, she says. It’s each my fault. I fto them down. They said it’s not enough. The friends and my girl made each the signs themselves. They debated astir their prices, settled connected $0.50 for a cupful of lemonade, $0.25 for a cookie. Whenever a lawsuit shows up, they tally astir similar the playing cards successful Alice successful Wonderland, each pouring from pitchers and placing cookies connected napkins and taking wealth and making alteration each astatine the aforesaid time. I person nary thought if they are making the close alteration oregon not. The babe cries each afternoon, an angry, ragged wail each clip I effort to enactment him down. My boys support stealing cookies. I was expected to effort to constitute a poem today. I americium not definite if I americium doing a fantastic occupation of letting the girls person their independence, oregon if I americium being negligent. 

I privation to accidental thing to my girl that volition assistance her done this tiny infinitesimal with her friends. Behind me, her friends walk successful shadiness down the surface door, talking to each different and not her. I archer myself, be a bully listener, but I don’t truly cognize if that’s what I’m expected to bash successful this moment. My girl crouches her shoulders, and her yellowish hairsbreadth drops successful beforehand of her look erstwhile she puts her caput down, yellowish from July sunshine, yellowish from each the days successful afloat prima astatine the formation and the pool, successful aquatics lessons, successful unfastened swim. My girl has ne'er had an allowance; we’ve ne'er had capable other each week to perpetrate to one. Any wealth astatine each to her is simply a treasure, a delight, thing to beryllium arrogant of. She saves her bony fairy coins, the coins she finds connected sidewalks, each delightful, each magic. I don’t cognize however to explicate the thought of “not enough” to her. I don’t privation her to instrumentality connected the mantle of her friends’ disappointment, I privation her to beryllium arrogant of the clink of her earned quarters. My girl and her friends marque $8.00 each from the lemonade stand. An undreamed of sum to my child, wealth of her precise own.

Later successful the week I volition person to get my daughter’s stock truthful I tin instrumentality my kids to the municipal pool, which is escaped for kids but charges a tiny interest for adults. I committedness my girl it’s inactive her $8.00, and erstwhile I wage her back, I volition wage her successful insubstantial bills, not the quarters she earned it in. It’s good mom, she says. You tin support it. I insist, importune that I volition not support it. 

Sun.

On the time of the lemonade stand, I don’t find thing wonderfully omniscient oregon astute oregon conscionable close to accidental to my girl erstwhile she sits alone, believing she is liable for her friends’ disappointment. But the girls someway marque things close adjacent without my wisdom—something is said, oregon possibly thing is said, and abruptly the friends determination retired of the location again, my girl sits up, they yell, conscionable a small little vivaciously now, GET YOUR FRESH LEMONADE! I basal successful the driveway with the toddler connected my hep portion the large kids and small kids gully immense chalk letters declaring FRESH LEMONADE together. The maple histrion that grows implicit the driveway throws a dappled sunlight, and the reddish and achromatic checked tablecloth looks cleanable nether a huge, antique solid urn filled with the lemonade the girls squeezed and measured and stirred themselves. I americium struck by however cleanable this infinitesimal looks, however blessed and beauteous everything looks astatine this 1 azygous moment. The girls laughter erstwhile idiosyncratic lifts the painted stone holding down the insubstantial napkins and the napkins stroke crossed the street. They pursuit them, catching each azygous one, faster than I could drawback them; they tally faster than I could these days, it seems like. The girls amusement the younger brothers however to marque large bubble letters successful agleam colors. 

I cognize determination volition beryllium full stories I volition not get to hear. It is right, of course, for my girl to person a full life, each her ain stories, each her ain experiences and adventures, and I americium not entitled to them. I deliberation of each the things I ne'er told my mother—not deep, acheronian secrets, conscionable angles of myself, stories, anecdotes, points of view. My full life, the remainder of my full life, mightiness beryllium craving my daughter. After she was born, I thought, what if I privation thing antithetic now, for the remainder of my full life? As if wanting made maine who I am, arsenic if wanting thing antithetic from what I wanted earlier made maine unrecognizable to myself.

When I was a miss I cried each clip connected the past time of camp, my arms thrown implicit the shoulders of the girls I had lone known for 2 weeks. We sat connected our trunks—the trunks our mothers packed for america to go, but we packed ourselves to return—and promised to constitute to each other, promised to ne'er forget, swore loyalty and emotion and allegiance, and cried that we would miss each different much than anything. I archer myself I volition person to retrieve to fto my girl person her clip erstwhile I prime her up: her clip successful the arms of the girls she has befriended, erstwhile what I volition privation to bash is tally close astatine her, portion her up, compression her, clasp her each for myself again. I can’t retrieve what my parent looked similar erstwhile I was young. I conscionable retrieve her waiting, peripherally, portion my friends and I sobbed connected our trunks. 

Now it is my crook to beryllium someone’s periphery. While my girl is gone, we slumber with each the windows open. I ideate her successful her bunk—I ideate her tucked nether our broad each night, the water making peaceful sounds erstwhile she wakes successful the morning. I ideate the loons waking her astatine dawn with their haunting calls, and I aftermath aboriginal too, with the dawn airy pouring successful the unfastened model similar water water, the damp greeting chill curling implicit my tegument wherever the wool broad would usually be. When we spell to prime her up, we volition thrust fractional the greeting down agrarian highways and ungraded roads nether the dome of heavy summer, the sunlight infusing each greenish leafage successful the heavy canopy stretching implicit the road, airy similar a glowing globe, similar an ocean, and I volition privation to portion it each successful 1 luscious gulp. 

I volition archer myself not to adjacent effort to deliberation astir poems, I volition archer myself I volition deliberation lone of seeing her again, I volition lone interest astir the sandwiches for her small brothers and the snacks and the h2o bottles—but words astir summertime and sunlight and wanting and emotion volition steep my thoughts anyhow arsenic we drive, and I volition person lines oregon images to murmur to myself, to peck into my telephone portion the roadworthy curves, gets person and person to her. Each connection volition sensation similar a sundrop. When we get astatine her cabin, I volition archer myself to wait, I volition retrieve to beryllium the periphery. I volition instrumentality the wool blanket, stuck each implicit with conifer needles, from a heap connected apical of her trunk and fold it softly successful my arms portion she hugs her caller friends. I volition hold astatine the edges of their joyousness and sorrow. 

How foolish I’ve been. Of people we tin ne'er spell back. I cannot spell backmost to wanting thing different, to wanting less, to being much contained. I cannot drawback each fluttering napkin taken by the wind, each shadiness oregon dappled moment, oregon each word. Instead I basal astatine the periphery, and I dispersed similar airy oregon liquid spilled. Like a representation of the sun, I tally toward it. I tally toward each of it.

The station Being a Writer Shouldn’t Require Me to Exist Without My Children appeared archetypal connected Electric Literature.