Monks in Jersey

We came successful 2 cars. A achromatic Honda Odyssey, the backmost enactment of seats kowtowed nether large reams of toilet paper. Everything else—cartons of grapes, jugs of water, Tupperwares of chopped fruit, each of our modern alms—in the trunk. The remainder successful a achromatic Toyota Corolla. Two cars afloat of supplies and radical for a play of surviving much with less. Not for camping, but for monkhood.

“You each volition request to unload the car erstwhile we get there,” my ma said, patting instauration implicit her look successful the rider spot mirror. “I can’t determination precise overmuch successful this dress.” She was wearing a high-neck golden formal covered with embroidered flowers and tiny tassels. It was 1 of 3 dresses that she had sewn with cloth ordered from Burma months ago. She wanted to person options, she’d said.

It wasn’t acheronian yet erstwhile we arrived connected Friday afternoon. The temple was shaped similar a wide, level U: the main monk’s residence connected the left; a agelong connecting portion successful the mediate with the cafeteria and meditation hallway connected the archetypal floor, separated by a driveway, and the retreaters’ dorms above; and a shrine country (formerly a farming shed) arsenic the 2nd prong. We parked wrong of the U arsenic the dorms formed a shadiness implicit the parking lot. When we had archetypal started coming there, successful 1995, it was lone 1 prong: Now, aggregate waves of Burmese migration and fundraising later, it was two.

My ma told america to alteration and get acceptable for pictures arsenic she was pulled speech by her person Mimi: a stout pistillate who seemed ever to beryllium astatine the temple arsenic a volunteer. She was holding up 2 antithetic hairpieces to spot which champion matched my mom’s hairsbreadth color. Tonight, each of america would shave our heads, and I was not looking guardant to it.

A coming-of-age ceremony, a Burmese barroom mitzvah, a meditation retreat: I had called it each of those things to friends successful the weeks before. It was a small spot of each but “more ceremonial slash familial than needfully religious,” I’d qualified. We’d bargained with my parent for weeks to get retired of it. We’re astir thirty, my member Nick reasoned. We’re adults. We didn’t privation to shave our heads, deterioration monk’s robes, meditate each day. Maybe it is important to you, but we don’t attraction astir religion, we said, equipped with years of therapy.

We haggled it down from a week to a agelong weekend. My uncle Pawksa and my cousins would get from Boston precocious that night, and my parent was occupied trying to marque definite they didn’t interact with my other uncle, Soe Aung, and his sons. Ten of america successful total: me, my dad, my brothers Nick and Duke, my 2 uncles, my 4 cousins. One pistillate for whom the full happening was really for: my grandmother. My mother, 1 pistillate to clasp the full happening up.

We unloaded the Odyssey, past we unloaded our grandma and her wheelchair. She sat successful the cafeteria with Duke, Nick, and me, her eyes fixed connected my mother, her hairsbreadth successful a abbreviated metallic bob. She often appeared dazed but was secretly assessing however to offend idiosyncratic next.

Mimi greeted her, taking her wizened hands successful her own.

“Do you retrieve me, Auntie!” she shouted.

My grandma startled and past stared back, her eyes cloudy. Then thing clicked.

“You got truthful fat,” she said, present laughing astatine the woman. “You’ve changed truthful much. I didn’t admit you.”

Through the cafeteria windows, we could spot the parking batch with our 2 cars; my parents were adjacent doorway successful the meditation hallway discussing the ceremony. When my dada came backmost into the room, we stood up. “The monks are acceptable to shave you all,” helium said. I looked astatine my hairsbreadth successful the front-facing camera 1 past time.

***

We sat successful our ceremonial clothes—white shirts, fancy longyi—in the meditation hall, where, connected raised platforms, 3 life-size golden Buddha statues looked backmost astatine us, framed by pastel LED lights and solid flowers. When it was my turn, the youngest monk astatine the monastery brought maine to a folding seat and instructed my parents to clasp a ablution curtain successful beforehand of maine to drawback the hair.

There was much of it than I thought—my hair, that was. It fell successful brushed clumps to the ablution curtain. As helium shaved me, the monk explained to maine that this statement was intentional and symbolic. It was expected to correspond losing vanity. But I could deliberation of thing but my vanity. I couldn’t halt reasoning astir being bald. The past clip I’d shaved my caput for monkhood, I had been fifteen, astir to participate precocious school, and it had been devastating. I felt oddly calm astir it this time, resigned. I fixated connected the florets of reddish twine successful the carpet beneath me. I tried not to get immoderate of the hairsbreadth connected the collar of my achromatic shirt.

The monk was lone a fewer years older than I was, smiley and tan, a saffron-colored T-shirt nether his reddish monk’s robes. Apparently helium had arrived from Burma a fewer years prior, from a tiny colony extracurricular of Yangon, and helium was conscionable blessed to beryllium successful America. We called him “Little Uzin.” “Uzin” due to the fact that that was the generic word for a inferior monk, and “little” due to the fact that determination was different inferior monk astatine the monastery (“Big Uzin”). Only 3 monks lived astatine the monastery afloat time.

When it was over, Little Uzin told maine to spell upstairs to the dorm bathrooms to cleanable up and telephone implicit the adjacent sibling. He wiped the buzzer rapidly with a towel, and from his nonchalance I had the feeling that they did this ceremonial alternatively frequently.

Upstairs, I got my archetypal glimpse of the dorms. The facilities were bland without being sterile: acheronian brownish carpets and pick walls, a agelong hallway divided by a cardinal gathering abstraction separating the men’s and women’s dorms. The women’s dorm led straight down into the cafeteria, portion the men’s led to the meditation hall. Little Uzin and Big Uzin lived successful the dorms too, adjacent though the caput monk lived successful the house.

In the men’s bathroom, Big Uzin—mopey, with quadrate glasses, but besides bald—met america with shaving pick and a razor. He shaved my caput down until it was bare: surrounded by an alien coolness, similar idiosyncratic had opened a skylight there. My tegument was airy blue-green successful the mirror, arsenic was my brothers’. I kept moving my manus implicit my scalp. It felt similar Velcro.

I was allowed to shower, and I took a speedy one, unsure of erstwhile I would beryllium allowed to instrumentality the robes disconnected again. My brothers, past my cousins, past my uncles filtered up, each their heads shorn. When they were cleaned up, we went backmost downstairs to the meditation hall. The caput monk, whose sanction translates to thing similar “Intellectual,” told america to beryllium with our knees tucked nether ourselves—difficult for astir of us—in the presumption of the spiritual supplicant. I got bushed of clasping my hands to my chest, truthful I fto them droop.

“You each look the aforesaid now,” Intellectual said, looking retired astatine each of our bald heads. My household has known Intellectual since helium started the temple, successful 1995, the aforesaid twelvemonth we came from Burma to New Jersey. He has ever felt similar a imperishable fixture of the place, similar the ornate woody seat helium sits connected oregon the large oak histrion adjacent to the parking lot.

“And madam looks … celebratory, arsenic usual,” helium said, looking astatine my ma successful her sparkly dress.

She laughed.

“It mightiness beryllium astir your monkhood, but it’s a manner amusement for your mom,” helium joked.

And past the prayers. A slush of scriptic Pali and the vernacular Burmese. I could prime retired a operation present and determination from my parents’ informal Sunday schoolhouse sessions, but the remainder I fto lavation implicit me, reasoning astir my hair. The archetypal clip my brothers and I did a impermanent monkhood was successful Myanmar successful 2015. We laic similar puppies successful a kennel successful the azygous air-conditioned country astatine the monastery successful Yangon, staring astatine the bamboo ceiling. I retrieve getting a monk to thatch maine however to work and constitute Burmese due to the fact that I was truthful bored without my devices.

And past the prayers were done. My ma changed retired of her formal and started to prep for the enactment tomorrow. The Uzins showed america however to necktie our robes. We walked backmost implicit to the cafeteria, the aforesaid arsenic earlier but someway different. We had emerged connected the different broadside of ceremony.

Tomorrow, astatine the party, we’d go afloat monks—an authoritative contract, different acceptable of prayers, receiving our symbolic alms bowls—but contiguous we were in-between. We sat with our grandma until it was clip for furniture and fto her tally her manus implicit our Velcro heads. It was acheronian extracurricular now, and the suburban lawns of Manalapan, New Jersey, viewed from the windows of the monastery, were emerald.

***

The adjacent morning, 5 monks came from retired of authorities to officiate the 2nd portion of the ceremony—three from New York, 1 from Canada, and 1 from elsewhere successful Jersey. While relatives and my mother’s friends gathered successful the courtyard, we, the monks, sat successful beforehand of our symbolic alms bowls successful the shrine country waiting for our names to beryllium erased.

The shrine country was the 2nd prong of the U that made up the complex. I remember, arsenic a kid, it was ever freezing oregon boiling blistery successful there—a converted farming store with mediocre insulation. It was little successful usage present that the caller meditation hallway was built, but it was present that they stored different 3 100 tiny golden Buddha statues, each of them lined up cautiously connected shelves against the backmost wall, tiny golden placards with the donors’ names shining beneath them.

“Ah, yes, Simon,” Intellectual said. He sat with his legs crossed, his eyes closed. When you go a monk, you suffer your civilian sanction and are granted a caller 1 successful Pali, the connection of scripture. Little Uzin and Big Uzin person monk names, and civilian ones, too, but my parents ne'er utilized them—they were excessively inferior for it to matter. Actually, for arsenic agelong arsenic I person known them, I conscionable assumed that Little Uzin and Big Uzin were their names.

Little Uzin crouched nearby, poised to constitute our caller names connected the contract. The different 5 monks sat quietly.

Intellectual opened his eyes. He seemed to prime a sanction for maine seemingly retired of bladed air: “Wuritha,” a connection successful Pali that adjacent my parents didn’t cognize the meaning of. It was a formality, seeing arsenic I was lone to beryllium a monk for a fewer days.

Intellectual told Little Uzin to scribble down the name, but helium seemed flustered, unsure of which declaration belonged to which person. He shuffled the pages once, twice, trying to find immoderate clue. We sat watching. Finally, Intellectual grabbed the contracts, scribbled my sanction down and tossed the leafage backmost to him.

I felt atrocious for Little Uzin—he was seemingly Intellectual’s real-life nephew, and the dynamic had not been wholly nullified by their monkhood. He smiled sheepishly arsenic Intellectual took the remainder of the contracts and wrote the names down himself.

After each 10 of america received our caller names, 1 of the visiting monks took america speech to explicate the adjacent portion of the process.

“You volition beryllium asked to corroborate that you are present of you ain volition. That you are not sent by immoderate different entity, that you are not moving from something, and that you are not a slave,” helium said. “When they ask, conscionable accidental yes.”

“That we are slaves?” Duke asked.

“No, that you aren’t.”

We stood successful our robes, holding our alms bowls, and Intellectual worked down his list. We confirmed that we didn’t person leprosy oregon immoderate unseemly oregon incurable rashes, that we weren’t nether immoderate benignant of crippling debt, that we had the support of our leader and our parents. I learned aboriginal that the diseases were a humanities holdover; radical utilized to judge the monks had healing powers and flocked to monkhood conscionable for that. The proclamations were meant to weed retired the opportunists from the devout.

Then came the abstentions. If Buddhist laypeople abided by five, monks were expected to travel implicit 2 hundred. The highlights were: nary eating aft noon; nary speechmaking for pleasure; nary purchasing, selling, oregon owning objects; nary perfumes; and nary intersexual interaction with “men, women, oregon animals”—a listing I recovered amazingly progressive.

We processed retired into the courtyard, wherever our relatives and household friends dropped things into our alms bowls: toothpaste, soap, snacks, assorted vitamin containers. Now that we were officially monks, we supposedly owned nothing. We pooled the materials successful a large heap successful our dorm, looking astatine the Irish Spring soap, tubes of Colgate, and tubs of vitamin C—enough for weeks, possibly years. We would donate them backmost to the monastery. I had brought my electrical toothbrush and my skincare, my vials of Aesop and Kiehl’s moisturizer.

***

Twice a day, astatine 6 and 11 A.M., we “received alms” successful the cafeteria. Honestly, they were lavish. My ma had planned the meals months successful advance, and present she was cooking and preparing with the volunteers successful the kitchen. Typically, alms mightiness look much modest: chickpeas and rice, a rootlike soup. But my ma had prepared a dispersed catered to immoderate benignant of culinary craving that mightiness arise: assorted Burmese curries, 10 antithetic kinds of chopped fruit, Burmese biryani—but besides sparkling water, brushed cookies, and acai berry foodstuff from Costco.

She was present wearing a shimmery greenish dress, inset with panels of a plaid Burmese pattern. This was the party, portion of the crushed wherefore we were doing this successful the archetypal place. We sat successful the cafeteria, greeting guests.

I was getting utilized to the monk’s robes. They were a acheronian reddish maroon. In the past, they would person been dyed this colour from utilized clothes, but these were stiff and new. I wore 1 bolt of cloth astir my waist and a 2nd 1 that could beryllium utilized arsenic a benignant of shawl oregon a hood, depending connected the temperature. There was besides a delicate, marigold-colored drawstring that I was told I needed to deterioration adjacent successful the ablution due to the fact that without it I would “slip down” backmost into humanity.

Relatives and household friends filtered successful and out, taking pictures with my ma and coming up to each of america to remark connected whether we had gained oregon mislaid weight. Intellectual informed america that we would convene successful the meditation hallway astatine 3 P.M., aft the guests had left, for our archetypal session. We hoped the guests would permission precocious capable that we mightiness not person to meditate astatine all—but astir 3 thirty, we trudged into the meditation hall.

“Please beryllium cross-legged,” Intellectual said, sitting connected his ornately carved woody seat successful beforehand of the Buddha statues, facing us. Little Uzin and Big Uzin took their places adjacent to him connected their level cushions.

“Begin to show your breathing,” helium said and closed his ain eyes. I sat, uncomfortably afloat from the party, my tummy taut against my robes.

Intellectual asked america to people our breathing with the words “in” and “out.” Even though I person been meditating since I was a child, lately, I’d preferred to bash the nonreligious mentation done Headspace oregon Calm. It was practically the same—Vipassana meditation—but for productivity and accent alleviation alternatively of the pursuit of enlightenment. I felt little encumbered erstwhile I meditated done an app, little freaked retired by the spiritual aspects, but present that I was here, astatine the temple, I realized they were much akin than different.

My manus twitched. My enarthrosis ached. Boredom is an elemental diagnostic of meditation; it sets successful connected the legs first, manifesting arsenic a tendency for change. It fixates connected the smallest symptom successful your back, and the merchandise of dopamine that arises from shifting your presumption a centimeter to the left, teetering from near butt feature to close butt cheek. There is simply a vigor to sitting still. But the sitting, astatine agelong intervals, tin go euphoric, adjacent transcendental.

I had experienced this lone once. In a Best Western league country connected to a Hooters disconnected the New Jersey Turnpike 2 years ago. A meditation retreat organized by my mother. Theinngu meditation is chiseled from Vipassana meditation successful its engagement with rhythmic breathwork, which tin person utmost carnal effects. There are lone 2 rules: bash not move, and respire to the track. Three hours astatine a time. Somewhere astir hr 2 of not moving, my hamstrings began to vibrate similar the debased extremity of a babe grand. My hands gnarled, the symptom successful them level and insistent. Full-grown adults astir maine were crying, sweating. For the archetypal 2 days, astatine the highest of the pain, I’d determination an inch, and it would allay a little. And past it would beryllium back. The monitors wandered around, repeating the rules. Do not move. Breathe. Only connected the past day, erstwhile I managed to travel the rules successful what felt similar a Herculean magnitude of restraint, did I person a breakthrough. My legs felt similar they mightiness burst if I didn’t move. My pelvis was sore from sitting for truthful long; my assemblage was wracked with crisp pains, and it wounded truthful overmuch that I made an involuntary yelp. I started to cry, but I did not move. And I did interruption into thing similar a euphoria: a wide and escaped and bluish merchandise of pain; a hidden attic I hadn’t known existed successful my brain, wherever it was now—at slightest a little—more comfy to beryllium inactive than to move.

I had ever thought meditation meant slipping into a authorities of nonthought. To go catatonic. But really, meditation is being distracted, your caput going each implicit the place, and conscionable noticing it. At its astir extreme, it tin mean feeling excruciating symptom and conscionable deciding to announcement it. To people symptom with the connection hurts, implicit and implicit again, until it goes away.

***

Most of the day, my brothers and I would prevarication horizontally successful our dorms, sleeping, trying not to usage our phones.

Intellectual took a hands-off approach. He was a believer successful the Vipassana school, not Theinngu, truthful helium did not acceptable a strict docket oregon mandate that we meditate extracurricular of the prescribed hours. It was up to us. But his indifference seemed to leak into our thinking: Should we beryllium doing more?

I was turning 30 successful 2 months, and this play was different halt successful a slurry of reflective activities starring up to my birthday. I would beryllium turning the property my parent was erstwhile she moved to the United States and had me, and this felt similar thing I wanted to commemorate. I had the thought that, arsenic I crossed the threshold into a caller decade, I would look a sleeker, much unabashedly idiosyncratic person, wrung cleanable of my Saturn return.

I wanted to plunge into my psyche. I wanted to carve distant astatine it. A mates months earlier, I had started EMDR therapy. My therapist asked maine to bring up achy memories arsenic I followed her digit crossed the Zoom model from near to right. This was to assistance maine reassociate them, a process archetypal developed for Vietnam War PTSD victims, present utilized for wide patients. A fewer weeks aft the monk ceremony, I would bash ayahuasca astatine a location upstate, portion of a retreat led by a mates from Brooklyn, with 5 strangers. It would beryllium different bundle reset, a ace into the strategy of my body.

My parents utilized to person america meditate each Sunday, for arsenic agelong arsenic I tin remember. Now I was opening to spot it connected a spectrum of reality-altering techniques, from psychedelics to breathwork to works medicine. Maybe I wasn’t each that antithetic from the legions of thirtysomethings who, shunning religion, recovered themselves grasping for a spirituality, oregon astatine slightest its trappings: baubles of astrology, crystals, psychics, and tarot.

It made maine deliberation of a speech I had with 1 of my mom’s friends connected the time of the ceremony. I was sitting successful the cafeteria with her, freshly shaved, arsenic radical came successful from the parking batch for lunch.

“You know, my lad came present erstwhile before, too,” Auntie Soe Soe said. Her hairsbreadth was dyed blue-black, curled thinly. The golden lamé of her formal was taut astir her midsection.

She turned to drawback her tea. I was curious—this was a communicative I hadn’t heard before. Apparently, astatine property 15 oregon sixteen, her lad had gotten it into his caput that helium wanted to articulation the army. The household was beside themselves, but determination was nary talking him retired of it. When helium was yet deployed a twelvemonth later, helium got scared. But helium couldn’t backmost out—he’d signed the contract. So Auntie Soe Soe called my mom.

“And she said to nonstop him to the monastery. Become a monk for a fewer days. Give him a instauration earlier helium goes. And helium did. I truly deliberation it saved his life. Well, I mean, helium came backmost beauteous rattled regardless. He went a little”—and she turned her digit implicit her ear—“crazy, you know.”

“The constituent is, it mightiness person been overmuch worse if helium hadn’t come. We told him to fell successful combat. To meditate. Close your ears. Say the tenets implicit and over. ‘I volition not kill. Send loving kindness to your enemies. I volition not kill. Think good of your enemies.’ He came back, got his GED. Still meditates sometimes. Went to Drexel for engineering. He’s good now. Just immoderate screaming astatine night.”

***

On the past day, we sat successful the cafeteria with grandma and watched Little Uzin weed the landscaping.

“Don’t they person radical to bash that?” Nick asked my mom, who was packing up the leftover food.

She looked extracurricular to spot what we were talking about. Little Uzin wore a saffron-colored beanie connected his head, his monk’s robes agleam against the greenery arsenic helium trimmed the dormant branches disconnected a hydrangea bush.

We turned astir erstwhile my grandma said something.

“What was that?” we asked.

She pointed outside. “U Sakkain,” she said.

We each turned to her. “Is that his name?” Duke asked.

“I deliberation so,” my ma said.

“Does it mean something?” I asked.

My ma shrugged.

We watched him resistance a container of ungraded retired from a plot shed. We sat softly for a while, drinking Costco acai berry juice. I wondered if Sakkain meant thing quirky similar Intellectual’s Burmese sanction did, but neither of my parents had immoderate idea.

After a while, my parent sat down, having finished packing. She turned to us. “Your grandma is the 1 who wanted you to bash this,” she said, inactive looking retired astatine Little Uzin. “I’m doing this for her. So convey you for doing this for me.”

We nodded and past looked away, embarrassed. Outside, Little Uzin stopped to instrumentality a break, sitting connected the parking batch curb.

“And I deliberation they bash person people,” my ma said. “For the garden. He astir apt conscionable likes doing it.”

It made maine wonderment what the monks could truly bash and not do. We were going to beryllium monks for lone a fewer days; they had subscribed to it for the remainder of their lives.

Sitting there, I remembered thing that happened the archetypal day, erstwhile Nick realized helium had forgotten his meds.

“Can monks drive?” Nick had asked my mom.

“I’ve decidedly seen monks drive,” Duke said, helping my grandma into a chair.

“Oh, but I consciousness similar they’re usually driven from spot to place,” I said.

My mom, successful pajamas, was putting nutrient away.

“You’re not expected to …” she said, arranging Tupperware successful the concern fridge. “… But it’s astir apt not a large deal,” she sighed. “But find Little Uzin and ask?”

We knocked connected the doorway to his room, which was successful the hallway wherever we were besides staying.

I looked to my brothers, our heads inactive blue-green from caller shaving. Little Uzin emerged, smiling, his telephone horizontal connected his palm, a video paused. His glasses were debased connected his chemoreceptor bridge. We asked him if we could thrust to get the meds, fixed we’d conscionable entered into monkhood.

I tried to ideate what it was similar to beryllium him, having decided successful your twenties to go a monk for beingness and uncovering that monkhood would past instrumentality you to New Jersey, wherever you would go the groundskeeper and adjunct monk to your uncle.

He shrugged and said sure, returning to his cot. I had seen him connected erstwhile visits to the monastery, trimming bushes, watering plants, taking retired the trash. I wondered if helium had besides travel retired of familial work oregon if he’d travel due to the fact that helium wanted to permission Burma. What did helium marque of New Jersey? I was amazed helium was allowed to person a phone, and I saw it lone briefly, but it looked similar helium was scrolling done Facebook Reels, similar the remainder of us.

That night, Nick, Duke, and I got backmost into the achromatic Toyota Corolla, minding our robes arsenic we unopen the car doors. The turnpike was acheronian and featureless. I had the impulse to crook connected immoderate music, but we silently agreed it would beryllium amended not to.

When we arrived, the lone airy connected successful the location was the lamp my dada had placed connected a timer to instrumentality immoderate imaginable robbers into reasoning we were inactive home. We grabbed the meds, a 2nd formal ma had asked for, and my uncle’s inhaler. I stood concisely successful my room, getting acceptable to spell backmost to the monastery. It felt unusual to beryllium backmost home. We had been distant lone a fewer hours, but the location seemed different.

“Imagine idiosyncratic looks implicit astatine us,” Duke said, successful the rider seat, arsenic we hurtled backmost implicit the turnpike to monkhood. “Imagine they crook implicit and conscionable spot 3 bald dudes. Three monks, riding done the suburbs.”

 

Simon Wu is simply a writer and an artist. He is the writer of the effort collection Dancing connected My Own.