WASHINGTON — The Department of Veterans Affairs will introduce reverse disability ratings in an effort to address its perennial budget shortfalls, sources confirmed today. Beginning in 2026, the VA will assign negative disability ratings to veterans, charging them for any physical or mental health “improvements” resulting from their service.
Officials say veterans will be re-evaluated not for disabilities incurred during service but for any perceived health benefits. And they have high hopes for the program, following a wildly successful trial with federal prisoners.
“Too many veterans have been improved through their service, and honestly, we think they owe us,” said one VA official, speaking on condition of anonymity. “For example, I saw one freeloader skip the line for the TSA. It’s frankly shameful. You get shot, and all of a sudden, you’re above lines?”
Among the items veterans might be billed for:
The scar from basic training you used to impress some MILF in Kansas
Removing the Cancerous tumor you got because of the Military
Herpes treatment (exclusively for veterans stationed near Fort Knox)
“We’ve been burning through our budget like herpes in Fort Knox,” said a senior VA administrator, arguing that the program is a necessary evil. The VA projects that the program will generate $3 billion annually, but acknowledges that the cost of running it will reach $5 billion.
“Caring for our Veterans is of the mediumest priority here at the VA, so we make fiscal sacrifices to accomplish our mission,” the official added. “The cost of cutting costs is a costly cost to help those who made the ultimate cost-cutting sacrifice, so let’s remember their costs, especially on a day like today.”
Sean, an Army veteran with the 101st Airborne who lost his right leg to an improvised explosive device in 2006, was less enthusiastic.
“They’re going to charge me for ‘significant reduction in BMI’ due to losing my leg,” John said. “I told them if they send another bill, I’ll choke the VA Director with my stump.”
Jacob, a Navy Veteran, said he received a letter saying he would soon be charged $22 per month for “that thing from Fort Knox.”
“They didn’t even explain what it was,” Jacob said. “But the emotional stress of this charge was so intense that I filed a new claim for it. Somehow, they increased my disability rating.”
Only time will tell if this initiative will actually save the VA money. However, history suggests otherwise. The last major budget measure undertaken by the VA involved charging Al Qaeda for reparations, which has thus far generated a grand total of $238, after a bill was accidentally sent to the Saudi Arabian embassy.
