Too hot to date

In a groundbreaking revelation that has rocked both the dating world and the fragile male ego, 29-year-old Cassandra “Cassie” LaFlamme has come forward to explain why she is very single — and it’s not because she’s emotionally unavailable, a bad texter, or chronically allergic to accountability.

According to LaFlamme, a marketing consultant and part-time astrologer, the real reason behind her romantic dry spell is that men are “simply too intimidated” by her lethal combination of “intense beauty” and “razor-sharp intelligence.”

“I walk into a room, and men just freeze,” Cassie told reporters, while adjusting her ring light mid-interview. “They don’t know whether to compliment my cheekbones or ask for help understanding quantum entanglement. It’s paralyzing, I get it.”

Experts in Male Psychology (read: a panel of her exes and one very tired bartender) confirm that while LaFlamme is indeed conventionally attractive and once took a Coursera class on string theory, there may be other factors contributing to her single status — like her insistence on quoting Nietzsche during small talk and demanding her dates provide their birth chart before the appetizer.

“She told me my Mars in Pisces made me a ‘beta’ and then spent 40 minutes debating me about whether Plato or Beyoncé had a greater cultural impact,” said one former suitor who asked to remain anonymous for fear of being psychoanalyzed again.

Cassie, however, remains firm in her assessment. “It’s not that I’m hard to date — it’s that I’m a galaxy-brained goddess, and most men are still trying to navigate the tutorial level of existence.”

In response to the story, Tinder has reportedly begun testing a new feature called “Intimidation Filter”, which allows users to opt out of matches with those who identify as both hot and high-functioning.

As for LaFlamme, she’s not giving up hope. “Someday, a man will come along with the confidence of Ryan Gosling, the brains of Neil deGrasse Tyson, and the emotional intelligence of a therapy labradoodle. Until then, I’ll just keep posting thirst traps with Carl Sagan quotes.”

Godspeed, Cassandra. Godspeed.