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Doodle Writing
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When You Can’t Run — Walk
Stop trying to outrun the pace of someone else
Running tired chicken (illustration by author)
Grasping for air like a dying chicken, I tried to push my legs to run further.
My side waist was burning. I could feel the cement through the soles of my shoes. My muscles screamed for rest, and I wanted to cry with them.
Eventually, I sat down on the sidewalk.
I’m so glad I’m the only one on the road.
At the time, there were no cars. No people either. I could freely laugh at myself before getting back on my feet. It had been less than 10 minutes after I had left my house, but my body was already aching, and my breathing wasn’t normal.
I couldn’t run. I knew that very well, but the thought was embarrassing.
I see people my age running around the neighbourhood all the time.
Why can’t I do it too?
They seemed fine. I, on the other hand, looked like I couldn’t even crawl back home if I decided to continue running.
Even so, I tried running again.
The sun felt too bright.
I felt sick.
I felt pathetic.
It only took a few minutes before I gave up and walked back home.
The fear of not being “fast enough”
Have you ever felt that no matter how fast you try to run in life, you end up falling behind everyone else? And even if you’re not trying to chase after specific people, you still feel like you’re not doing enough?
I should have pushed myself further…
You end up dwelling on your anxious thoughts as unhappiness and dissatisfaction eat you from within.
You end up feeling like an old car, abandoned in a junk yard, because you can no longer rush fast through the highways.
But really, is there a speed you must reach? A rapid pace that will guarantee success in everything you do?
Perhaps you try pushing past your limits once or twice. You press hard against the gas pedal, and you hold onto it until your feet turn blue.
But you don’t let go.
You’re worried that someone will honk at you for being “too slow” and ruining the pace of other drivers.
Or maybe, you’re worried that if you’re not fast enough, you’ll miss out on something that waits at the end of the highway.
You feel cramps in your legs, and the car starts to squeal. It growls at you a few times before shutting down completely, halting in the middle of the road.
Was it worth it?
You tried to rush beyond your capabilities and ended up stuck.
I rushed and ended up stuck on the highway for months
It’s been months since I wrote my last article. My mental health took a bad turn, and I fell into a deep hole of negativity. Instead of immediately trying to crawl out of it, I just stayed there.
Silently and all alone.
The imaginary ground felt as dirty and wet as it felt when I sat down on the sidewalk during my last run. An aching waist-side was switched for a mentally exhausting headache.
Things I believed I was good at or at least okay at, suddenly became hard and exhausting. At times, it felt as if my body was no longer my own.
I stopped writing. I even stopped drawing. I switched my creative hours for binging social media and TV shows. My screen time often reached double digits — something I had been proud of reducing before my mental slump.
I wondered if I had become an idiot.
Perhaps I was always an idiot.
I had an obsession with having the answers to everything. But most importantly, I wanted to have the answers immediately.
I felt jealousy for my friends and acquaintances whose lives appeared to be much nicer and more refined than mine. Jobs, relationships, even goals.
And so the self-hate continued…
Following someone else’s speed
We live in a fast-paced world where news seem to travel faster than our own thoughts.
University degrees that once guaranteed jobs now appear useless.
Job positions go extinct.
Trying to find genuine connections with people seems harder than ever.
When we try to stabilise one part of our lives, the others start to crumble right before our eyes. Sometimes, they crumble without us knowing.
We begin to pursue things that seem to bring others joy, dismissing the fact that those same things might bring us pain.
We think that if we follow the road and pace of those who succeeded, we will succeed as well.
I’ll wake up at 5 am. I’ll take a walk at 6 am.
After a healthy breakfast, I’ll do some deep work for a few hours before taking my commute to the office.
After work, I’ll work on my side business. I’ll do some deep work before bed…
Oh.
Oh no.
That digital template took you 2 hours to make instead of 1.
That video you tried to take ended up a mess. You’ll have to take it again tomorrow.
That article you wanted to write — you forgot about it.
Interesting.
You’re behind schedule.
You’re behind the schedule of SOMEONE ELSE.
Is that really how you intend to live? Following a schedule you didn’t set, following a pace that leaves you breathless?
Finding my own speed
It’s hard to admit that our capabilities often fall below our expectations. Some of us like to take time thinking. Some of us can’t work under pressure and stress.
And yet, no speed is wrong. Cars have their limits. Chicken have their limits. Humans do too.
I’m bad at running. I’m not in the right physical health to do long runs, so I changed my approach.
I went for a walk. Something I hadn’t done in months. I changed morning runs to evening walks.
I stopped following the schedules of other people. Instead, I observed them, analysing the actions themselves rather than the time it takes me to complete them.
I picked up drawing again, along with some new hobbies. I met up with friends and had so much fun that I ended up laughing through tears.
Seriously, why did I try to rush everything?
There’s nothing wrong with taking things slow.
I still don’t have the answers to everything. To be honest, I sometimes feel like I don’t have an answer to anything. I’m still struggling, and at times I still feel like an idiot.
I can’t give you an exact answer to what the “correct” pace is. Especially, the pace that you should follow. It’s something you have to figure out yourself.
For me, the right pace is a speed that allows you to be consistent and steady. But it’s also a speed that leaves you with a small rush of adrenaline as you take on new challenges.
Try increasing your speed slowly. Try new paths, new routines. Pick racing partners who can help motivate you to stay consistent in your journey of improvement.
I know that by walking, I will spend much more time reaching the same distance I would have reached had I run. I might fall behind many people who are running in front of me. Still, I would rather do that than give up mid-way again.
It won’t be easy. I know that I will have moments where I will try to rush again. I will pick up speed, giving myself moments of addictive adrenaline before running out of breath again and fixing my pace.
But I believe I’ll eventually find the pace that works best for me.
When You Can’t Run — Walk was originally published in Long. Sweet. Valuable. on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
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