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/u/Electronic-Search543
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so for A LOT of context, me (almost 21f) and my bf (23m) have been together for a little over two years, and for the past 8 months basically, our sex life, our connection, and relationship in general, has just died and gradually gotten more sad. at the beginning of our relationship, i had a very small sex drive due to trauma, and his was high. i was reserved with it, shy, vanilla and he was the exact opposite. it was difficult at first but he opened me up more (no pun intended lmao) and i began to have a higher sex drive. it feels like since January this year, the sex has grown sad. it doesn't last as long, there's no foreplay, he forgets aftercare, i'm not finishing, etc. recently i've talked to him about this and he's explained (vaguely) he's gotten more comfortable with me and his drive has become super low; from every day or every other day, to once every two weeks (maybe longer). i've noticed he's started watching porn more, stopped initiating, etc. i have some underlying issues with his porn usage (one he is aware of) due to mistakes he's done to me that have hurt me in the past and just having a boundary about it, but mostly that's unrelated to why i'm here. just to give a little context to show it has been hurting me that he's not interested in sex nearly as often anymore. **also want to add i've been insecure the past few months, and seeing he loves big women, and i'm almost underweight and have no ass, all of this has been affecting me a lot.
i sat him down a week or two ago for a big, hard conversation that was about what i could do to excite him, what he could do to help me feel desired, anything to build back our intimacy. i also brought up the fact that i was lacking any other form of love on top of that. he shows more energy with the people around him than with me, as if his mood drops instantly. he doesn't randomly hug/kiss me anymore, doesn't flirt anymore, doesn't even call me pretty. basically didn't show love to me at all except through sex, but now it's once every two weeks instead. he sleeps a lot and spends his time awake away from me key note: we live together with his family, with not a lot of rooms. it felt like we were just friends that had sex rarely and i told him i wanted to feel more like his actual girlfriend, apart from going on dates. our connection had just died completely but he thought (and still thinks) otherwise.
note: every time i've brought up something i need from him (ex: touching me more [non sexually and sexually], complimenting me, being sweet to me, just pulling his weight in general), it will be in action for a few days and he'll do what i've asked but it will stop after like 4-5 days, as if he forgot. i brought this issue up before and he told me i need to keep reminding him. after a few tries, i told him i can't keep reminding him, begging him, for what feels like, the bare minimum.
he told me he would put in effort to show affection more, and he told me what he needs from me. i feel it's necessary to add i've been becoming gradually more depressed since this year started, and it has 100% affected my relationship. he denies it but i am almost sure that he's just not happy anymore due to my depression. we don't necessarily argue but we bicker a lot, clash heads, just don't agree on some things, but that could be normal for a 2 year relationship. he's only told me he's been feeling drained recently but assured me there was nothing else. in our conversation, he's explained the reason he doesn't last long anymore is because he needs foreplay too. he wants me to kiss his neck more (which i thought i did enough because i enjoy it myself), initiate sex more, wear skimpy clothes. he's suggested me twerking around the house more and wearing said skimpy outfits around once before, but considering i live with HIS family, i'm incredibly uncomfortable with that. so i make an effort in our little privacy to my best ability.
we've been having this conversation over and over again for a month and some change, and the first time he said he wanted to see more lingerie. the first attempt was buying it myself in the store, but he was always uninterested in it. he then told me it was cute but not sexy. i told him he should buy me what he wants me to wear and he never did, so i did shopping and asked his opinion. he got distracted in the search and said "don't buy it yet", then never came back to the conversation. that was my second attempt at being spicier for him, trying to dig out that man i first met two years ago. i tried again a few days ago in a store but i got the same uninterested, monotone response. moral of the story, i have been putting in effort in the past handful of weeks to try to be desirable to him, only for him to reject the effort.
during the most recent long conversation we had, we both agreed that we needed a break in our relationship. and because of his family's lease ending soon, and him having trouble to find a job in our city, we're going to be separate for a few months anyway. but the thing is, he meant it as a proximity break because we spend too much time together. i meant it as a break-up break, because i genuinely believe he's bored, he would be happier elsewhere, that we're not compatible, i have too many issues going on, etc. he's also never been in a relationship this long and all of mine have been this long and longer, so he's not used to how to treat his woman this deep in.
i've run out of effective ideas of what i could do for him, to excite him and make him want me the way he used to, while also managing my own mental health, in the same house as him. and i'm worried that when the lease is over and we are separate, it will only get worse because we aren't together, and don't have the option to be. i've also even been worried about him cheating while he's gone, which i believe is something he would hide from me forever. every time i bring it up now, he'll say something vague like, and i quote, "be more spontaneous", but when i ask for details, he said he doesn't want to talk about it now; and will never bring it back up again or never seems open to it when i do. recently i've also started masturbating a lot more than normal after talking to him about how i've been unsatisfied in sex and just in general, and it's only making it worse. i can tell my depression has also been gnawing away at his interest in sex with me but i don't know what else to do. i can't fix something like that tomorrow, and i've been doing all i can with what i got. i feel like bringing up "what can i do" or "this and this is what i need" over and over again is bothering him more than the issue itself is, but i'm not getting any real answers from him and i literally don't know what else to do.
sorry for the essay, thanks for reading
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i sat him down a week or two ago for a big, hard conversation that was about what i could do to excite him, what he could do to help me feel desired, anything to build back our intimacy. i also brought up the fact that i was lacking any other form of love on top of that. he shows more energy with the people around him than with me, as if his mood drops instantly. he doesn't randomly hug/kiss me anymore, doesn't flirt anymore, doesn't even call me pretty. basically didn't show love to me at all except through sex, but now it's once every two weeks instead. he sleeps a lot and spends his time awake away from me key note: we live together with his family, with not a lot of rooms. it felt like we were just friends that had sex rarely and i told him i wanted to feel more like his actual girlfriend, apart from going on dates. our connection had just died completely but he thought (and still thinks) otherwise.
note: every time i've brought up something i need from him (ex: touching me more [non sexually and sexually], complimenting me, being sweet to me, just pulling his weight in general), it will be in action for a few days and he'll do what i've asked but it will stop after like 4-5 days, as if he forgot. i brought this issue up before and he told me i need to keep reminding him. after a few tries, i told him i can't keep reminding him, begging him, for what feels like, the bare minimum.
he told me he would put in effort to show affection more, and he told me what he needs from me. i feel it's necessary to add i've been becoming gradually more depressed since this year started, and it has 100% affected my relationship. he denies it but i am almost sure that he's just not happy anymore due to my depression. we don't necessarily argue but we bicker a lot, clash heads, just don't agree on some things, but that could be normal for a 2 year relationship. he's only told me he's been feeling drained recently but assured me there was nothing else. in our conversation, he's explained the reason he doesn't last long anymore is because he needs foreplay too. he wants me to kiss his neck more (which i thought i did enough because i enjoy it myself), initiate sex more, wear skimpy clothes. he's suggested me twerking around the house more and wearing said skimpy outfits around once before, but considering i live with HIS family, i'm incredibly uncomfortable with that. so i make an effort in our little privacy to my best ability.
we've been having this conversation over and over again for a month and some change, and the first time he said he wanted to see more lingerie. the first attempt was buying it myself in the store, but he was always uninterested in it. he then told me it was cute but not sexy. i told him he should buy me what he wants me to wear and he never did, so i did shopping and asked his opinion. he got distracted in the search and said "don't buy it yet", then never came back to the conversation. that was my second attempt at being spicier for him, trying to dig out that man i first met two years ago. i tried again a few days ago in a store but i got the same uninterested, monotone response. moral of the story, i have been putting in effort in the past handful of weeks to try to be desirable to him, only for him to reject the effort.
during the most recent long conversation we had, we both agreed that we needed a break in our relationship. and because of his family's lease ending soon, and him having trouble to find a job in our city, we're going to be separate for a few months anyway. but the thing is, he meant it as a proximity break because we spend too much time together. i meant it as a break-up break, because i genuinely believe he's bored, he would be happier elsewhere, that we're not compatible, i have too many issues going on, etc. he's also never been in a relationship this long and all of mine have been this long and longer, so he's not used to how to treat his woman this deep in.
i've run out of effective ideas of what i could do for him, to excite him and make him want me the way he used to, while also managing my own mental health, in the same house as him. and i'm worried that when the lease is over and we are separate, it will only get worse because we aren't together, and don't have the option to be. i've also even been worried about him cheating while he's gone, which i believe is something he would hide from me forever. every time i bring it up now, he'll say something vague like, and i quote, "be more spontaneous", but when i ask for details, he said he doesn't want to talk about it now; and will never bring it back up again or never seems open to it when i do. recently i've also started masturbating a lot more than normal after talking to him about how i've been unsatisfied in sex and just in general, and it's only making it worse. i can tell my depression has also been gnawing away at his interest in sex with me but i don't know what else to do. i can't fix something like that tomorrow, and i've been doing all i can with what i got. i feel like bringing up "what can i do" or "this and this is what i need" over and over again is bothering him more than the issue itself is, but i'm not getting any real answers from him and i literally don't know what else to do.
sorry for the essay, thanks for reading
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