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Shaant
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Is Your Side of the Bed Ruining Your Relationship?
This small, โnormalโ habit might be silently killing the intimacy in your home.
Photo by Timur Weber on Pexels
Apparently, beds should come with invisible boundaries. At least thatโs what most couples say to me. You pick a side, you stay on the side, and you defend the side like itโs prime real estate.
My girlfriend and I have never believed in that. We just drop wherever we fall.
Some nights I end up near the wall. Other nights Iโm near the door. Other times we both occupy no manโs land in the middle of the bed like we drop wherever.
When I tell people about this, they laugh as though we are nuts. They tell me weโre โpsychoโ or say weโll stop doing this soon enough.
But habit is not what binds us.
What allows us to be stable is the freedom of not needing a side, to know we donโt need a side to feel at home next to one another.
And really, when life leads you to exhaustion, you donโt care about territory.
You fall into bed, close your eyes, and let sleep take on the rest.
The world expects order, but intimacy often lives in chaos
Iโve watched other couples treat their sides like some rule of law.
Once, a friend argued that his partnerโs side is her subconscious allegiance to the patriarchy, seriously. His argument was that the bed is a power dynamic, and it worried him that because he wouldnโt be putting his flag on this territorial marker, sheโd feel unsafe.
He had tried offering her his side, but when he came home from work, she had, by her choice, occupied the โusualโ side anyways.
It was not about comfort. It was about certainty.
Our rhythm rhythmically moves differently.
Sometimes, she takes a nap in the area I warmed before leaving. Sometimes I sit down where she had been after she left in the morning.
When I do these things, I like to think that the heat left behind is like an acknowledgment note that she forgot to get to me.
But when I sit in the absence, Iโm immediately reminded that love doesnโt always look like the tied-up-in-a-neat-bow kind of order.
Sometimes love looks like the space and comfort of knowing it doesnโt matter where youโre allowed to land.
To outsiders, of course, it looks reckless.
There have been many people who have told me that they would choose to sleep in a guest room before they would tolerate their partner on โtheirโ side.
What looks careless to them looks just the opposite to me.
It shows that we trust each other enough not to put boundaries on a space that is shared.
Habits are loud, but freedom is quiet
People love their routines. They park in the same place, sit at the same desk, and sleep on the same side.
They tell me our lifestyle is unnatural. But what part of laying down boundaries for a mattress is natural?
Our nightstands look the same. Not typically stacked with her books on one side and a drawer full of my things on the other.
We have our phones plugged in, maybe a half-drunk bottle of water, and thatโs it. If I want something, I carry it on me.
The absence of boundary markers keeps everything more fluid.
A lot of people think that means we donโt have intimacy, as if intimacy is denoted by the side you put your phone charger down.
But quite the opposite, I think.
The strength of our relationship makes this irrelevant. I no longer care which side I am hanging out on. What matters is that I know that she is nearby.
I once laughed with a friend when he said he sleeps closest to the door to protect from an intruder.
I laughed and said if someone made it all the way into your bedroom, your side choice isnโt going to help you.
He did not see the logic, but I still believe it.
Fear catalyzes rituals. Love lets them go.
The bigger truth behind small choices
I sometimes wonder if the real reason why people get irritated at us is because we silently reject rules that they have adopted.
Couples are supposed to have routines. One partner sleeps closer to the bathroom. One partner utilizes the side that conforms to childhood routine. One nightstand is aligned with a lifetime of personal clutter.
When we reject these routines, I think it unsettles people.
I lived in the United States for some time and I learned how quickly people connect routine with safety. Their rituals resemble armor against chaos.
But I also learned that security is not the side of the bed.
Security is in the other person who shares it.
Some nights my girlfriend and I fall asleep back to back. Some nights we are face to face. Some nights we collapse into bed so exhausted that we do not notice how we fell asleep.
The only thing that ever matters is not where we sleep, but that we wake up together.
Maybe we are inconvenient for people because our choices point to something larger.
Love has nothing to do with boundaries, but rather trusting that even without boundaries you are still safe.
Love doesnโt need borders to feel safe
Weird? Probably. Weird in the way that there is something a little odd about putting mayonnaise on pizza. Just odd, not harmful.
The question, really, is whether it works.
Our lack of sides has not been a detriment to us. In fact, we feel stronger because we are forced to live without the crutch and comfort of habit.
We do not find comfort from the ritual of a side. We find it in the trust we have given each other.
Love does not indicate a side of a bed.
Love exists in the shared space in between.
It exists only in the relationship of two people who trust each other enough to allow the lines to blur.
I do not need a side of the bed.
I simply need her in it.
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Is Not Picking Bed Sides a Red Flag? was originally published in Write A Catalyst on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
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