I donโ€™t know how to feel about my past sexual relationship with my ex

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/u/fattycat9

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Trigger warning!! Un consensual sex acts talked about.

I was with my ex for 4 years, from 16. He was my first, so I guess I didnโ€™t know much better, or have proof of it. My first time wasnโ€™t nice, it hurt and I nearly cried, he covered my mouth. I donโ€™t think he knew straight away I was in pain and was just trying to keep me quiet so no one else heard us. Throughout our relationship, there was a few times I cried during sex. One time I remember well he noticed, and kept going. I didnโ€™t say anything however. He would always keep asking until I said yes, and got upset if I didnโ€™t. I rarely enjoyed it, it was just easier to let him. It was also always only about him. As soon as he finished the act stopped. He would get annoyed if Iโ€™d ask him to do more for me, and foreplay barely existed. The worst time was one morning when he inserted himself when I was half asleep. He stopped quickly when I reacted. Weโ€™d been bickering before this about him waking me up on days I would get to sleep in because he wants sex, and when he tried that morning I just shrugged him off. I guess I didnโ€™t technically say no. I know itโ€™s wrong but thatโ€™s what I told myself. The worst part is he put lube on beforehand. I knew none of this wasnโ€™t right, but figured it wasnโ€™t a big deal. Itโ€™s only recently Iโ€™ve let myself accept what it is. Iโ€™m writing this because I was listening to reddit stories, and one was about a girls bf doing something similar, and all involved in the story made it out as very bad, including the bf. Initially, I didnโ€™t think it was a big deal. But it is, isnโ€™t it? I guess Iโ€™d just like to hear some other peopleโ€™s thoughts.

submitted by /u/fattycat9
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