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/u/ant_in_alaska
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hello, i am a 21F (although gender isn't real lol) and im afraid i might be asexual. it's complicated because i have had crushes, i go on dates and make out with people. i have a desire to pursue romantic relationships... until it gets to the sex part. i know i have anxiety and i overthink a lot. i didnt have my first real kiss until i was 20. previously i thought i would never kiss anyone, i felt broken and different than my peers. it's weird because i think im perceived in a way that no one would think i'm ace. im femme presenting, i love wearing cute little outfits, im usually a bubbly person. i think theres a lot of stereotypes that get associated with ace people, and i definitely don't fit into that. i've considered myself queer for a long time, when i was 14 i realized i might like girls as well as boys, and now i often contemplate if im a lesbian or ace. that's why i love the term queer, i love just existing without labeling myself. i only have like one sexual experience, for which i was quite drunk and regret. i mainly felt uncomfortable and weird. like i just wasn't enjoying it really. i felt so awkward. i dont know if im just a bottom (not that i really believe in those roles) and have a low sex drive? or if i have no sex drive at all. i masturbate and get aroused or whatever, but when it's another real person it just feels so much different, and i am controlled by my fear. i know sex should feel fun and like something i want. i always feel uncomfortable when talking with friends about sex because i just feel so far behind everyone. i am incredibly scared to have sex, scared that i won't like it and scared to face the idea that i could be ace. im not sure if i should communicate this to people im going on dates with, because i dont want to ruin the vibe and also because i genuinely don't know if i want to have sex or not. how can i tell if i just have anxiety and im scared because i've never had sex, or if i genuinely don't want to have sex ever with anyone? im torn between just doing it even though it's scary, or listening to my gut. i fear that i will never have enjoyable sex and that i will feel left out forever, because it's such a human experience. advice would be greatly appreciated <3
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