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/u/Specialist-Session34
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I am a 20F and I have been struggling personally with my bf (23M) and I’s sex life, for context we’ve been together for 4 years going on 5 and have been sexually active for maybe 2-3 years at this point. At the beginning it was all fun and exciting, pretty much what you’d expect as a young teen experimenting sexually for the first time. Anywho, as the years have gone by I’ve noticed my libido slow down tremendously. We both live together in college now and I feel shameful that I can’t seem to get physically aroused in the way I’d expect/ think I’m supposed to. I am very attracted to my boyfriend, but I feel like something is wrong with me. I don’t find myself getting “worked up” anymore, so to speak. Growing up years ago, I had a very negative relationship with pornography, and wonder if that is affecting my tolerance for sexual material if that makes sense (I haven’t watched pornography in years at this point).
It hasn’t been until recently that I’ve been reaching an orgasm during sex. This is not solely either party’s fault, as I wasn’t the best at expressing what I want or even knowing what I wanted to get me “there.”
The only way he’s been able to make me orgasm is via oral in a missionary position. I always find myself drifting off/ zoning out, and many times I will envision pornography to sort of zone back in. It makes me feel very guilty, and I wonder if growing up with pornography on a telephone made it so that I NEED intense visual stimulation to increase my arousal? To be completely honest, I have no idea what I’m supposed to be looking at, and find it somewhat embarrassing (not sure if that’s the right word) when making direct eye contact…
During intimacy, I find myself getting anxious at times and cannot seem to stop thinking about everything but sex. Our attitudes toward when we have sex vary greatly, for example, let’s say we woke up late and have plans to do XYZ in an hour. To him, that would be an opportunity to initiate sex, whereas my mind is stressing about getting us ready, fed, and out the house on time. We’ve had discussions about when I feel most comfortable having sex, but I don’t see much effort towards making my preferences a reality—getting by to bed early, spending quality time, maybe putting a movie on with the expectation of initiating. Maybe this is too specific or unrealistic? For additional context—we have a tendency to live life in a rush as college students and somehow always end up staying up until 2-3 am (which he knows I don’t like). There is a possibility that this taps into some deeper personal thoughts on our relationship:
I’ve been cheated on multiple times throughout our almost 5 years together—with the last time being the worst but hopefully the last (2 years ago). The only reason I have hope that we are solid now is because I have personally witnessed his mindset & perspective change on women and the sacredness & spirituality within sex. He was also an ADVID AND CHRONIC porn consumer, something which he hasn’t touched since these 2 years have passed. That being said, is it possible that maybe I have some subconscious bias against him and my security in our relationship???
It us important to mention that I got back together on the grounds that he promised to “reinvent” himself into a man—an emotional supporter, a provider, and a leader for us within this relationship, and obviously for me too as his woman. However, though his mindset towards women & pornography has changed, I don’t see much progress in this so called “reinvention.” I don’t want his personality or anything about HIM personally to change. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel like a mother at times and “the one who wears the pants.” In our day to day lives this looks like keeping him on top of his responsibilities (I always tell him to write important things down..he doesn’t which leads to many missed opportunities for him in business & school), doing his laundry, keeping a clean room & living area for us, planning our days, I manage about 60% of our finances, planning dates, planning quality time (movie nights, at home crafts activities, etc.). I don’t want to keep tabs on who does what and tally our contributions, but it’s hard not to start doing that when I can FEEL the imbalance. All in all, I’m not asking for him to be a millionaire and buy me coach and Prada—I just want to feel like it’s safe enough to submit to his judgement, and feel like he is ready and eager to take on that responsibility. Not just with words, but with visible and consistent action.
Im not really sure how to navigate this and am open to suggestions. Maybe it’s the pornography, maybe it’s the trauma from cheating, maybe it’s my personal reservations of his journey in fulfilling his promise to me, maybe it’s everything. At the end of the day this is all stuff I’ve expressed at one time or another in our conversations, some times at greater lengths than others.
I would like advice on how to navigate this issue—what kinds of conversations should I open up to “fix” this? I’ve always been one to rehash conversations over and over until everyone is happy and tensions are gone, but by revisiting this topic so many times, he has expressed to me that the responsibility of my arousal feels disproportionately on him. He feels it is unfair that he has to do all of these things—my preferred set & setting that I mentioned earlier (aka going to bed on time etc etc), giving me oral in this new way that I like, having a clean space (really just the bedroom), getting responsibilities out of the way, etc. I understand that maybe he feels pressure to not mess up, but I don’t think my requests are unusual or over the top.
Thank you for reading this far, at the end of the day I’m just trying to improve the health of my relationship, and gain some insight and perspective. advice would help
TL;DR via ChatGPT
:
I (20F) have been with my bf (23M) for almost 5 years, living together in college. Our sex life started exciting but now my libido feels low, I get distracted/anxious during sex, and I often need to imagine porn to stay aroused (I used to have an unhealthy relationship with porn growing up, but I haven’t watched it in years). He is very attractive to me, so I do t think that is the issue. I’ve only recently started reaching orgasm, mainly through oral in one specific position.
Complicating factors: he cheated on me multiple times early on (last time 2 years ago), and though I’ve seen genuine growth in how he views women/sex since then, I still sometimes feel guarded. Also, I feel like the “responsible one” in our relationship—I manage chores, finances, schedules, etc.—while he struggles with follow-through. This imbalance makes it hard for me to feel relaxed/safe enough to be turned on.
I’ve communicated that I need more intentional timing (not rushed, not 2–3am), a clean space, and some quality time to feel open to intimacy. He says it feels like the responsibility for my arousal is all on him, which I get, but I also don’t think my requests are extreme.
I’m trying to figure out: is my low libido tied to past porn use, lingering trauma from his cheating, my anxiety from carrying the “leader” role, or all of the above? And how do I approach this so it feels like teamwork, not nagging?
submitted by /u/Specialist-Session34
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It hasn’t been until recently that I’ve been reaching an orgasm during sex. This is not solely either party’s fault, as I wasn’t the best at expressing what I want or even knowing what I wanted to get me “there.”
The only way he’s been able to make me orgasm is via oral in a missionary position. I always find myself drifting off/ zoning out, and many times I will envision pornography to sort of zone back in. It makes me feel very guilty, and I wonder if growing up with pornography on a telephone made it so that I NEED intense visual stimulation to increase my arousal? To be completely honest, I have no idea what I’m supposed to be looking at, and find it somewhat embarrassing (not sure if that’s the right word) when making direct eye contact…
During intimacy, I find myself getting anxious at times and cannot seem to stop thinking about everything but sex. Our attitudes toward when we have sex vary greatly, for example, let’s say we woke up late and have plans to do XYZ in an hour. To him, that would be an opportunity to initiate sex, whereas my mind is stressing about getting us ready, fed, and out the house on time. We’ve had discussions about when I feel most comfortable having sex, but I don’t see much effort towards making my preferences a reality—getting by to bed early, spending quality time, maybe putting a movie on with the expectation of initiating. Maybe this is too specific or unrealistic? For additional context—we have a tendency to live life in a rush as college students and somehow always end up staying up until 2-3 am (which he knows I don’t like). There is a possibility that this taps into some deeper personal thoughts on our relationship:
I’ve been cheated on multiple times throughout our almost 5 years together—with the last time being the worst but hopefully the last (2 years ago). The only reason I have hope that we are solid now is because I have personally witnessed his mindset & perspective change on women and the sacredness & spirituality within sex. He was also an ADVID AND CHRONIC porn consumer, something which he hasn’t touched since these 2 years have passed. That being said, is it possible that maybe I have some subconscious bias against him and my security in our relationship???
It us important to mention that I got back together on the grounds that he promised to “reinvent” himself into a man—an emotional supporter, a provider, and a leader for us within this relationship, and obviously for me too as his woman. However, though his mindset towards women & pornography has changed, I don’t see much progress in this so called “reinvention.” I don’t want his personality or anything about HIM personally to change. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel like a mother at times and “the one who wears the pants.” In our day to day lives this looks like keeping him on top of his responsibilities (I always tell him to write important things down..he doesn’t which leads to many missed opportunities for him in business & school), doing his laundry, keeping a clean room & living area for us, planning our days, I manage about 60% of our finances, planning dates, planning quality time (movie nights, at home crafts activities, etc.). I don’t want to keep tabs on who does what and tally our contributions, but it’s hard not to start doing that when I can FEEL the imbalance. All in all, I’m not asking for him to be a millionaire and buy me coach and Prada—I just want to feel like it’s safe enough to submit to his judgement, and feel like he is ready and eager to take on that responsibility. Not just with words, but with visible and consistent action.
Im not really sure how to navigate this and am open to suggestions. Maybe it’s the pornography, maybe it’s the trauma from cheating, maybe it’s my personal reservations of his journey in fulfilling his promise to me, maybe it’s everything. At the end of the day this is all stuff I’ve expressed at one time or another in our conversations, some times at greater lengths than others.
I would like advice on how to navigate this issue—what kinds of conversations should I open up to “fix” this? I’ve always been one to rehash conversations over and over until everyone is happy and tensions are gone, but by revisiting this topic so many times, he has expressed to me that the responsibility of my arousal feels disproportionately on him. He feels it is unfair that he has to do all of these things—my preferred set & setting that I mentioned earlier (aka going to bed on time etc etc), giving me oral in this new way that I like, having a clean space (really just the bedroom), getting responsibilities out of the way, etc. I understand that maybe he feels pressure to not mess up, but I don’t think my requests are unusual or over the top.
Thank you for reading this far, at the end of the day I’m just trying to improve the health of my relationship, and gain some insight and perspective. advice would help
TL;DR via ChatGPT
:I (20F) have been with my bf (23M) for almost 5 years, living together in college. Our sex life started exciting but now my libido feels low, I get distracted/anxious during sex, and I often need to imagine porn to stay aroused (I used to have an unhealthy relationship with porn growing up, but I haven’t watched it in years). He is very attractive to me, so I do t think that is the issue. I’ve only recently started reaching orgasm, mainly through oral in one specific position.
Complicating factors: he cheated on me multiple times early on (last time 2 years ago), and though I’ve seen genuine growth in how he views women/sex since then, I still sometimes feel guarded. Also, I feel like the “responsible one” in our relationship—I manage chores, finances, schedules, etc.—while he struggles with follow-through. This imbalance makes it hard for me to feel relaxed/safe enough to be turned on.
I’ve communicated that I need more intentional timing (not rushed, not 2–3am), a clean space, and some quality time to feel open to intimacy. He says it feels like the responsibility for my arousal is all on him, which I get, but I also don’t think my requests are extreme.
I’m trying to figure out: is my low libido tied to past porn use, lingering trauma from his cheating, my anxiety from carrying the “leader” role, or all of the above? And how do I approach this so it feels like teamwork, not nagging?
submitted by /u/Specialist-Session34
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