Everyone’s Bestie, or Is It Sociotropy?

[Pavithra Kumaravelu]

Inside the mind of a social butterfly.​

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

(Disclaimer: To all the introverts out there who are eye-rolling right now at the mere mention of the term ‘social butterfly,’ I can’t even apologize for it — that is sort of the point here. Over-apologizing, people-pleasing, and being sociotropic? All fair game. So let’s talk about it. Don’t hate me.

Sociotropic is not some exotic tropical drink I am referring to, it’s about those people who add the unwanted spice into their lives in a rather messed up manner. In the Gen Z terms, sociotropic persons are extras existing for other people’s narratives and acting in a way that serves others. Can you think of a time when you tried extra hard to impress certain people or situations that is not personal to you yet your primary concern is how others will perceive you? Just like when your friend is a bit aloof (off to address who knows what) and the first thing that comes to your mind is, ‘Was I rude to that person? Are they cross with me?’ Then, congratulations, you are sociotropic.

You might be wondering, how did I stumble upon this? Well, as someone who’s practically Gen Z but still clinging to my millennial roots, I did what we all do: turned to Google to diagnose my symptoms. That is how I got to know about sociotropy.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Sociotropy is in a nutshell the condition of being perpetually preoccupied with relationships; the social ones, be they friendship, romantic, or acquaintances. It is so much worse than people-pleasing its like people pleasing in steroids. It is not about helping other people feel happy but making oneself become happy with other people around. Well done if ever you have submitted yourself to avoid confrontation or denied your self — wishes merely to avoid confrontation. You may well be a card-carrying sociotropist.

That feeling when you live that “Hi Barbie!” life of being everybody’s friend? Well, if you’re like meᅳtoo ready to ensure everyone whose company you share is content you may be sociotropic. They are the friendliest overachiever in the world where being a friend to all is not just an honorific, it’s a career.

Here’s how it usually goes: any random person or anybody you have possibly come across in your day to day life invites you for some hanging out. You’re already comfortable, mainly on the couch, wearing comfy PJs, hair looking a little unkempt, binge-watching Netflix, but then what? You still choose to go and hang out, It is because they may be offended if you say no to their request and, of course, we cannot allow that, can we? To me, relations are like glass decorations one careless word, one unnoticed message, and I can bet the whole structure will crumble. Cue the overanalyzing: “Did I say something wrong? Are they mad at me?” It looks like it is necessary to send a few more “aaa” in that text just to sound friendly: “Okaaayyy!”

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Though appearing as good and altruistic, the choice of being a friend to everyone is tiring for sociotropic individuals. We are so engrossed in taking care of others’ needs and meeting them that we forget ourselves sometimes. As much as the idea of being liked by everyone seems to be an interesting goal, we should not forget that the most important person we need to make happy is ourselves. So next time you catch me apologizing for something I didn’t even do, or nodding along like a bobblehead, just know: It isn’t that I don’t have feelings and ideas of my own — I merely don’t dare think them, lest you decide you don’t like me after.

Ever wonder what it’s like to be everyone’s favorite go-to friend? It’s not all sunshine and rainbows. In fact, if you’re a little sociotropic like me, it’s more like being a 24/7 emotional support human. Yes, I’m the one always agreeing to plans, nodding at jokes I didn’t hear because I’m too busy overthinking whether you’re secretly mad at me. It’s not just FOMO (fear of missing out) — it’s FOAP (fear of annoying people).

Getting out of sociotropy is like debugging your emotional code while you’re still locked in the SDLC (Software Development Life Cycle). You go in optimistic to end up just going in circles between “Acceptance” and “Maintenance” — questioning whether you have met everyone’s expectations. Imagine being so sociotropic that I’m writing about it here on Medium instead of, you know, focusing on my self-care algorithm. It is like writing a user guide for your emotional troubles only for your reasonable self to inform you that they have been ‘deprecated.’

Photo by Shamin Haky on Unsplash

So, what’s the fix? First, recognize that you don’t need to be everyone’s favorite person to be awesome. It’s okay to have your own opinions, say “no” sometimes, and not feel guilty for missing an event. Your happiness shouldn’t depend on others — sometimes you just have to hit “Deploy” on self-love and stop over-analyzing every interaction.

Oops, there I go again, letting my inner SDE show. Oh, and did I just apologize for no reason? Classic sociotropic behavior.

So this is all about sociotropy in a nutshell! It’s like being a social sponge, soaking up all the good vibes around you. It’s awesome for building great relationships, but being sociotropic is all about balance. It’s about selectively engaging in social interactions while staying true to your own rhythm. The best social life is one where you’re both the life of the party and totally cool with chilling by yourself.

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Everyone’s Bestie, or Is It Sociotropy? was originally published in Long. Sweet. Valuable. on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

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