Their Marriage’s Saving Grace: 4 Times Dad Tried To Cheat On Mom But Failed Because He Has No Game And Lives In A Chicken Coop - ClickHole

It’s no secret that Mom and Dad’s marriage has been on the rocks for years. They’ve grown so distant, and some of their fights recently have been pretty vicious. It really seems like their relationship is crumbling. Fortunately, there is one thing holding their marriage together: Dad has no charisma and lives in a shed with dozens of filthy birds. Here are four times Dad tried to cheat on Mom, but failed because he has no game and lives in a chicken coop.

1. The Time Dad Invited That Woman From His Gym Back To His Place And A Rooster Chased Her Into The Woods

About three years ago, Dad’s wandering eye fell on a woman he met at the gym. Dad convinced her to come back to his place so that he could show her a YouTube video about snails. The woman did not want to watch this video, but Dad pulled one of his classic pickup moves and said, “If you don’t watch this video about snails with me, I will blow up my own car and many people will be injured.” The woman did not want him to do that, so she went back to Dad’s chicken coop. The smell made her throw up as soon as she walked in, and then Dad tried to “set the mood” by lighting a single birthday candle and asking the woman to hold it because he didn’t have any candlesticks. It’s incredibly unlikely Dad was going to get very far with this woman regardless, but his chances were completely dashed when the rooster he lives with saw the woman and chased her into the woods. The whole thing was pretty embarrassing for Dad in the moment, but there’s no doubt that it saved his marriage.

2. The Time Dad Texted His Coworker Nancy About How The Chickens He Lived With Had Given Him A Disease

Dad’s coworker Nancy is pretty nice, but she’s never really shown too much romantic interest in Dad. Unfortunately, Dad is terrible at reading signals, and one time Nancy sent a company wide email announcing an office food drive. Dad thought this mass email was Nancy flirting with him, so the next day he sent her a text that said, “I have an exotic disease that comes from living with chickens.” Then Dad texted Nancy a picture of Sean Connery with the caption, “This is my penis. Let’s kiss in my birdhouse.” Dad got fired and also did not get to sleep with Nancy. As a result, Mom and Dad remained married!

3. The Time Dad Set Up A Secret Dating Profile That Listed His Job As “I Live With Chickens And Steal To Eat”

Dad tried to cast a pretty wide net for his infidelity a couple years back by setting up a dating profile on a couple of apps and seeing if he could get some women to go out with him. Fortunately for Dad’s marriage, his total lack of game meant that his dating profile was absolutely terrible. First off, the picture he chose for his profile was that one where he’s trapped under a big log that fell on him. Second of all, under “Job,” he wrote, “I live with chickens and I steal to eat. I used to be an accountant, but I got fired for embezzling money from the company to pay for lip enlargement surgery.” Then, for the prompt, “Describe your ideal first date,” Dad wrote, “I look at your ass and I think about your ass and then we go back to my chicken coop and you show me your ass and I look at your ass.” And for the prompt, “What’s a fun fact about you?” Dad wrote, “My wife’s feet are bigger than mine.” Needless to say, Dad got exactly zero matches on the apps, and his marriage to Mom lived to see another day.

4. The Time Dad Crawled Out His Chicken Coop And Tried To Get The Amazon Delivery Driver To Help Him Behead A Chicken For Blasphemy

A few months ago, an Amazon delivery driver was walking up the driveway to drop something off at our front door, and Dad happened to spot her from his chicken coop. Dad crawled out of the coop covered in feathers and chicken shit and tomato sauce and said, “Hey baby, why not come live in this birdcage with me? I’ve got a bunch of chickens I need to kill for disgracing the Lord, and you look like just the kind of hot babe to hold the birds down while I chop their heads off.” The delivery driver said, “No, thank you,” and tried to leave, at which point Dad said, “Would it sweeten the deal if I told you that I’m extremely religious and I think people should get their heads chopped off for swearing and drinking beer?” The delivery driver said that this did not sweeten the deal and then got back in her truck and drove away. If Dad had been just a bit more suave and a bit less covered in chicken detritus, it’s possible he would have seduced this woman and ruined his marriage. Fortunately, he is a disgusting and unappealing man, and this has kept our family intact.