Musk Flees Flaming Starbase After Kicking Child, Blames Collapse on ‘Low Vibe Frequencies’

STARBASE, TX — In a scene described by onlookers as “equal parts apocalypse and TED Talk,” Elon Musk reportedly elbowed a 9-year-old in the teeth Friday while sprinting toward his diamond-encrusted escape pod as Starbase erupted in flames behind him.

“Move, you underdeveloped carbon-based liability!” shouted Musk, shoving the child—later revealed to be named X-æ-A/Beta-7—into a smoldering pile of unsold Cybertrucks. “Daddy’s got a galaxy to gaslight!”

Witnesses claim the billionaire, clad in a fireproof SpaceX kimono and muttering something about “free speech on Mars,” paused briefly to film a selfie with the burning ruins before blaming the collapse on “a temporary dip in collective consciousness.”

“I warned you all about negative vibes,” Musk said, nodding solemnly at a dying engineer clutching a Dogecoin medallion. “This is what happens when people don’t like my memes.”

As fireballs devoured the solar-powered smoothie bars and flamethrower testing arenas, Musk scolded panicking residents for their lack of entrepreneurial grit.

“If you wanted to live, maybe you should’ve started your own rocket company and emotionally manipulated a few hundred thousand Redditors,” he snapped. “Bootstraps, people.”

Sources confirm Musk launched his escape pod moments before the final explosion, live-tweeting “Starbase going thermonuclear lol. #Grindset” as the Earth receded behind him.

When reached for comment from low orbit, Musk said he planned to build New Starbase on Mars—this time “without the whining.”