Every clip I woke up, idiosyncratic died. Usually my girlfriend, Lavender, oregon my dad, oregon my boss. Sometimes 1 of the different assistants. Or strangers I’d seen connected the street, unlucky capable to person gotten their faces lodged successful my brain, oregon radical I remembered from agelong ago: the small miss I tutored successful college, oregon Eli McKean. I saw them hacked to bits 1 by one, oregon force-fed poison, oregon tied up unneurotic and burnt similar witches, their skins blistering implicit a blazing pyre.
The victims changed, but the murderer was ever the same, ever me. My hands smeared successful gore, eyes alight with frenzied ecstasy. My smile, but wrong, much devious. In my existent life, I sat up successful furniture to hitch slumber retired of my eyes, I stood successful a ablution I’d turned blistery capable to hurt, I sniffed the armpits of my favourite dress. I kissed Lavender goodbye, oregon I smiled thinly astatine my roommates connected my mode retired the door. All portion the images poured done me, and I tried to person myself that they meant nothing, that I didn’t privation them. I didn’t privation to termination anyone, I thought.
On Halloween evening, Lavender showed up astatine my bureau dressed similar the nighttime sky, holding a achromatic umbrella, insubstantial stars strung to it with sportfishing line. I was Donna Tartt successful a blazer I’d thrifted connected my luncheon break—my aged bedbug panic had surged similar bile; I’d swallowed it down—and a debased bun I’d fashioned to look similar a bob.
We had initially planned to formal up arsenic Tumblr lesbians, wrapping ourselves successful cozy sweaters and twinkle lights. The program was to walk the full nighttime entwined. We didn’t mind. We’d been unneurotic for 10 months, and we were near-telepathic. Often erstwhile we were separated, I would consciousness her bosom flutter successful my sternum; my palms would get sweaty, and I’d substance her to inquire what was wrong. Just similar she knew erstwhile I ate stupidly and drank excessively overmuch by the nausea curling successful her stomach. “Would you halt abusing your body,” she would say, laughing. “For my sake?”
Okay, the truth: I often faked it. Knowing maine made her truthful happy. And she was truthful often anxious oregon bittersweet that predicting her moods was thing much than signifier recognition. Besides, I loved the mode our expected psychic transportation lodged america person together, made our communicative the worldly of fate, arsenic if we weren’t liable for our ain decisions. Sometimes I thought if I could support swimming successful the existent of her emotion story, I’d ne'er person to marque different prime successful my life; eventually, I would simply float, thoughtless and free.
For now, fights could instrumentality up days, told successful 3 acts, replete with melodramatic gestures: we starved ourselves, sobbed for full mornings, each justified by our presumption arsenic soulmates. I bragged to friends that it was a much intimate narration than I’d imagined possible. I was exhausted.
When I added the 4th enactment to the schedule—a publication party, close aft work—I asked if we could decouple our costume. I didn’t privation to participate the infamous publicity director’s idiosyncratic location wearing my woman similar an ornament, nor to explicate wlw meme civilization to my bosses and colleagues. Being a twenty-eight-year-old agent’s adjunct was already humiliating enough.
I made 26k a twelvemonth with shitty benefits, my days spent sending endless emails, my nights speechmaking manuscripts connected my phone: successful java shops, waiting for Lavender to get disconnected work, successful the bath astatine the barroom portion she bemoaned nonprofit burnout with her coworkers, connected the subway thrust home, successful furniture aft she fell dormant and earlier she woke up. My eyes burned each the time, similar ocular tinnitus. Lavender kept saying I should get them checked out, but I didn’t person the currency for the copay. If I did, I would commencement with a gynecologist for the yeast infections I kept getting from wearing the aforesaid 3 pairs of achromatic tights to enactment each day. After that, I’d spot a dentist, erstwhile I had the intelligence wherewithal to grip the questions. It’s from the bulimia, I’d person to signifier saying successful the reflector first, with a take-me-seriously face. Yes, I cognize it was stupid. No, I don’t portion soda. I ne'er have. After that, possibly a chiropractor, and past the oculus doctor.
“I know,” Lavender would accidental to my diatribe, settling successful down maine connected the aged mattress my roommates utilized arsenic a couch, moving her thumbs down my spine. “But what if 1 time you couldn’t work anymore?”
I had forcibly exposed myself to sickening thoughts before—Stare astatine the connection for 10 minutes, but nary longer, I could perceive my therapist saying—but this 1 was excessively horrifying to contemplate. Reading had been my truest emotion since I was a small girl. Growing up, I’d work astatine dinner, during recess and survey hall, astatine parties, sometimes portion hidden successful the bath oregon the closet; I’d propulsion my manus against the backmost partition each time, hoping for a door, for thing fantastic and otherworldly to look and alteration everything.
In publishing, I’d hoped to find much radical similar me. I hadn’t been prepared for the societal facet of agenting: the lunches and coffees, oregon the concealed rules of wardrobe and manner. I surely hadn’t been prepared for my boss, Arthur, with his thrush of grey hairsbreadth and his stooped walk, similar a wizard successful a movie. His past suits, his eggplant breath. He was a fable successful his precocious eighties. “Don’t worry,” a elder cause had murmured to maine once. “He’ll person to discontinue soon.”
“Or dice successful his office,” different cause said grimly.
And I had learned not to over-glamorize the speechmaking itself astatine work—this was writer behavior, waxing poetic connected speakerphone portion we each nodded, bored, successful the league room—and successful fact, the older I got, the much starkly I saw that books were not magic and ne'er had been. They were a coping mechanics that allowed maine to disregard the extracurricular satellite erstwhile I was small, and past I grew up and decided to crook that coping mechanics into a career. One that I was floundering successful but terrified to leave. If I couldn’t win astatine this job, which I’d fundamentally trained for my full life, past what other could I do?
Maybe successful a antithetic life, I’d person made friends with the different assistants, but they straight-girl flirted with each different with heady desperation, arsenic if uncovering a enactment woman was tied to their biologic clocks. They clustered, laughing prettily, long-nailed hands stroking backs and shoulders, and I was ne'er bully astatine casually touching different women. I stayed astatine my desk, lone extricating myself connected the uncommon Fridays erstwhile Arthur invited everyone to his country office, made america Manhattans, and regaled america with stories astir the bully aged days successful publishing.
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From House of Beth by Kerry Cullen, connected merchantability July 15th from Simon & Schuster LLC. Copyright © 2025 by Kerry Cullen. All rights reserved.
