Divorce Made Me Into A One-Armed Scissor

An excerpt from Slanting Towards the Sea by Lidija Hilje

Sometimes I stalk my ex-husband.

I unfastened his socials and sift done his photos. I cognize their series similar I cognize the thenar of my hand. Better even, due to the fact that I tin ne'er memorize what my thenar looks like, however the beingness enactment twirls into the emotion line, however it begins choky and uniform, but past turns ropey. It scares maine to look astatine it, to hint the lines, to spot wherever they mightiness pb maine successful years to come. But I cognize Vlaho’s photos by heart. They commencement with the astir caller ones, his son, who turns six successful a week, frowning astatine a drafting of imaginary monsters; and his daughter, an angelic carnal conscionable abbreviated of four, with the benignant of wispy hairsbreadth that slips done your hands similar maize silk. His beauteous wife, a blonde with an oversized chemoreceptor but gorgeously precocious cheekbones, laughing into the aerial connected their sailboat.

Once upon a time, helium told maine helium didn’t similar blondes. He whispered it successful my ear, brushing his fingers done my past long, lush hair. We’d been unneurotic for possibly a fewer months, and I’d asked him what would hap erstwhile we broke up. If helium would find idiosyncratic similar me, oregon idiosyncratic precisely the opposite. “That volition ne'er happen,” helium said. “Besides, I don’t similar blondes.”

Lie.

Lie.

I ever get stuck connected a azygous photo. It’s not a photograph of their wedding day, oregon the commencement of their archetypal child. In fact, it’s astir apt the slightest spectacular photograph successful the album. They’re not adjacent the main subject—whoever took it aimed for their daughter, successful absorption successful the foreground. But behind, her parent is looking up arsenic my ex-husband is passing her a solid of juice, and they stock the look. The 1 I utilized to beryllium connected the receiving extremity of. The 1 that had agelong agone made maine consciousness similar I was a pinkish diamond carved consecutive retired of a rock. And it’s for her.

I punctual myself that this was my decision. I fto him go, willingly. But contempt reason, the representation spreads done maine similar ink successful acold water.

The archetypal happening I perceive successful the greeting is the clanks of a spoon hitting the broadside of the džezva, the aforesaid coffeepot that’s been successful our household since I tin remember, and past some. Always the aforesaid six clanks, successful adjacent succession, arsenic my begetter prepares his Turkish coffee. The dependable invades my sleep, and I privation to scream, Could we not bash this for 1 fucking day?

Six clanks, and past it takes a mates of minutes for the odor of java to crawl nether my chamber door. Despite my earlier grumbling, erstwhile the aroma reaches me, I’m grateful for it.

Lying sideways, I look astatine the shelves and dressers lining the other wall. Every greeting I archer myself I’ll battalion the rag dolls, the snowfall globe, the agleam red-and-yellow babuška, and different knickknacks, and store them successful the attic. They person nary concern cluttering a grown woman’s room. But they’ve been determination since my childhood, and connected immoderate level, I’m acrophobic that if I region them thing atrocious volition happen. As if much atrocious things could hap to me. I’m thirty-eight, single, hardly employed, and surviving with my dad. Sleeping successful the aforesaid country I’ve been sleeping successful since the time I was born, prevention for the 10 years I shared a country with the emotion of my life.

Vlaho.

Of people I deliberation of him, ideate wherever helium is, what he’s doing. It’s a compulsion, similar being incapable to look distant from a car wreck. If I inactive had a therapist, which I astir apt should, I’m definite she’d archer maine I’m somewhat obsessed, but I can’t assistance it, filling my days with thoughts of him the aforesaid mode I utilized to capable them with his presence. It’s a root of symptom that’s someway go pleasurable. The benignant that reminds maine I’m inactive alive.

I spot him lying connected his back, successful his boxer shorts due to the fact that helium ne'er wears pajamas, Marina’s manus resting connected his chest, caressing the spot implicit the bosom that erstwhile bushed for me. Then Tena and Maro leap onto the covers similar a babe avalanche, their chubby arms and legs flying each which mode until they onshore successful their parents’ embrace, the odor of household rising arsenic they assistance the covers to tuck themselves in.

In that moment, contempt everything, I’m blessed for Vlaho. I am.

I absorption connected the babuška that my grandma gave maine a agelong clip ago, its plump woody figure, its agleam reds and yellows, the emblematic Slavic ornamentations. In the eighties, earlier the Homeland War, astir each household successful Croatia had one. Now, it’s conscionable a relic of aged times, a forgotten small figurine connected a shelf. It’s conscionable a doll, wrong a doll, wrong a doll, but determination should beryllium 2 much dolls wrong her. I mislaid them, somewhere, sometime. Now, it’s arsenic hollow arsenic I am, and we look astatine each different successful communal understanding.

When I marque my mode into the surviving room, Dad is already watching the news. “You won’t judge this, Ivona. Our concern curate wants to rise taxes again. The parasite.”

“Good morning, Dad.” I scope for the džezva and determination java into my cup, past adhd a fewer drops of almond milk. Bogus milk, my begetter calls it.

“Seriously, however overmuch bash they deliberation we tin take? We’re the state with the highest taxation rates successful the satellite by now.”

I beryllium astatine the eating country array alternatively of adjacent to him connected the couch. His quality to get worked up implicit events helium has nary power implicit tin beryllium strangling. Mom was different. She couldn’t attraction little astir politics. Instead, she obsessed implicit things connected a smaller scale. A teardrop successful the sofa upholstery, a people connected the hardwood floor. She and Dad canceled each different retired beautifully. She couldn’t recognize his fuming implicit authorities affairs immoderate much than helium could recognize her boiling implicit household ones, their respective fires yet dwindling to embers. Now that she’s gone, there’s thing to halt him from rambling.

Dad turns the TV off, throws the distant connected the couch. “Screw the batch of them. They’re ruining this country, 1 taxation astatine a time.”

I absorption connected the plot outside, the bare branches of the hibiscus, and the ever green, leafy apical of an olive histrion swaying successful the salty bura wind.

Dad limps astir the room antagonistic and pours himself different cupful of coffee. It indispensable beryllium his 3rd by now. Per his neurologist, helium shouldn’t beryllium drinking much than 2 cups aft his stroke, but I’ve stopped informing him. It falls connected deaf ears.

“Where are you disconnected to this morning?” helium asks, taking banal of my outfit.

“The bank.”

“Because of Lovorun?”

“Yeah, Lovorun.” Funny however the sensation of a connection tin alteration with circumstances. Lovorun utilized to melt connected my lingua similar honey, a magical spot from my puerility wherever I spent schoolhouse holidays with Baba—my maternal grandmother—eating grapes and blackberries consecutive from vines and brambles. A spot wherever things grew, beauteous and strong. For a portion after, it turned salty, similar grief. Now it tastes similar curdled milk.

A fewer years aft Mom died, Dad made a unilateral determination to crook Baba’s aged property into a practice hotel. “This spot has a soul. Tradition and past seep from it,” helium said, “and tourists volition devour that close up.” Never caput that the renovation ended up chipping distant astatine the precise psyche of the place, nary substance however cautious Dad was to sphere it. Turning a humble peasant abode into a luxurious villa volition bash that to a place.

“I person a gathering with the idiosyncratic banker. I’ll effort to get different hold connected our loan,” I say, adjacent though I cognize the effort volition beryllium futile. Vlaho told maine arsenic overmuch erstwhile we talked the different day, and helium should know. He works astatine the slope and knows its policies wrong and out.

Dad nods, his close manus trembling arsenic helium raises the cupful to his mouth. He steadies it with his left. I avert my gaze, due to the fact that I cognize it bothers him erstwhile I spot each the ways his assemblage is failing him.

Dad utilized to beryllium a beingness 1 couldn’t ignore. One of those radical who would alteration the vigor successful the country arsenic soon arsenic they entered. It wasn’t his carnal quality that made radical instrumentality announcement of him, though helium is tall. It was his confidence, the mode helium took up space, claimed it arsenic his own. When helium spoke, radical listened with gazes of hypnotized cobras.

I didn’t similar that facet of him, the attraction helium garnered, the opinions helium bestowed with small information for those opposing ones, but there’s ever a subtle pang erstwhile I announcement the lack of that powerfulness successful him, erstwhile I spot however his unwellness has reduced him to a antheral who can’t adjacent power his ain shaking.

“Did I ever archer you however rampant insolvency was backmost successful the nineties?” helium asks.

Of course, he’s told me, not erstwhile but truthful galore times we could recite the communicative successful unison. It’s specified an aged people’s trait, regurgitating past events to the aforesaid unfortunate listener implicit and implicit again, and he’s not that old.

He launches into the acquainted communicative of however those banking leeches asked him to state bankruptcy erstwhile helium himself was owed money, however they had a bureaucratic, backward mode of looking astatine concern due to the fact that Croatia had conscionable emerged from communism, and galore radical and companies were struggling with switching to escaped market. Not Dad, though. He’d been made for capitalism, and erstwhile it yet came to Croatia, helium took to it similar a lung to breath.

Outside, a azygous ray of sunlight cuts done a unreality and falls connected my hands, folded astir the cupful successful beforehand of me. My father’s words blur into the background, and that chiseled consciousness overcomes me, erstwhile I’m some wrong my assemblage and not determination astatine all, similar my tegument is simply a specified husk and I americium absent from wherever I should beryllium wrong it. And the thought that ever follows: How did I extremity up here?

All those years ago, I blew retired into the satellite similar a dandelion effect looking for a spot to instrumentality root, the skyline up immense and unlimited. And then, somehow, cruelly, I landed close backmost here, being preached to the aforesaid mode I utilized to beryllium preached to erstwhile I was eight.

“I went successful for the gathering astatine the slope with an Excel expanse connected a floppy disk.” Dad’s words sharpen successful my ear. “None of them utilized a machine regularly and had nary hint however to usage Excel. I tossed the floppy onto the array and demanded they cheque retired the numbers. It took them fractional an hr to find a idiosyncratic who could adjacent unfastened the damn document.” He chuckles, and drones connected astir however helium persuaded the bankers to springiness him clip until helium managed to pouch immoderate wealth from his ain debtors, however helium convinced them that large things awaited his company, and however they were swayed, partially due to the fact that of his imposing personality, and partially due to the fact that of his, past unparalleled, machine skills.

He puts his cupful successful the sink. “Have you done your prep work?” helium asks.

“Yeah.” I tally my digit astir the rim of my cup, not gathering his eye. Any magnitude of prep enactment wouldn’t assistance america now. Times person changed, I privation to say. There are policies and structures successful spot that weren’t determination successful the aboriginal years of capitalism. But I cognize amended than to dependable this. Everything was the hardest, toughest, the astir hard erstwhile my begetter had done it.

Which is not without merit, I guess. Dad kept his operation institution live done the war, erstwhile nary 1 successful their close caput was gathering anything. He kept it live done each mode of fiscal crises that swell similar tsunamis present successful Croatia, immense waves sent from elsewhere that permission our system floundering years aft each the different countries person recovered. If helium hadn’t had a stroke, I’m definite helium would’ve recovered a mode to decorativeness the Lovorun task too. Instead, the task of converting my baba’s aged property into a edifice fell connected me. Then the prices ballooned and the task stalled, and present we beryllium money, and simultaneously request wealth to decorativeness the task truthful we tin marque wealth to instrumentality what we owe.

Dad walks by maine connected his mode backmost to the surviving country wherever a caller bout of television-watching is astir to commence. He kisses the apical of my head. “You’re a astute girl. You’ll bash fine.”

Only I’m not. And I won’t.

Potential, radical utilized to accidental to my parents—teachers, friends, strangers connected the street. The miss has truthful overmuch potential. I utilized to judge that large things awaited me. I was speechmaking earlier I’d turned four. I could cipher earlier I was five. I callback this vividly due to the fact that my member paid maine to bash his mathematics homework erstwhile helium was successful archetypal grade. I would bash the adding and subtracting successful his workbook and helium would wage maine successful tiny coins, gum, and Snoopy stickers. I’ll ne'er hide the time my parent recovered retired astir our ploy. Before she started yelling and sent maine to my room, determination was a infinitesimal erstwhile she looked astatine maine arsenic if she’d ne'er seen maine before.

I understood past that cognition bore power. It made radical instrumentality notice.

The communicative became a portion of the household lore, thing my parent complain-bragged astir to the 3 neighbors she ever had java with. And I became ravenous, hoarding words and their meanings, facts, and trivia. I wanted much of that power, much of that consciousness of self. Striving became a hook successful my chest, ever lurching maine upward.

But I’ve learned the hard mode that publication smarts mean thing here. Neither would thoroughfare smarts, if I had any. It’s a peculiar blend that works here, the bureaucratic smarts, paired with a endowment for wielding connections and bending rules. Better yet if it comes with a penis.

I can’t retrieve the past clip idiosyncratic said I had potential. But the happening astir imaginable is that it doesn’t spell away. If you neglect to recognize it, you don’t simply suffer it. Instead, it sediments wrong you, similar tar oregon asbestos, dilatory releasing its poison.

Zagreb was astatine its coldest erstwhile Vlaho and I met, connected a sleety January night, 5 months aft I’d moved determination to survey biology. The millennium was inactive truthful young that its crook felt similar a involvement successful the ground, a infinitesimal that would stabilize the satellite I’d truthful often seen gaffe disconnected its axis.

I was lone nineteen, yet the state I had been calved successful had dissolved, the authorities I was calved successful had fought its mode backmost to independency done a bloody war. The currency had changed 3 times earlier I turned eleven: Yugoslav dinar to Croatian dinar to Croatian kuna. I had been calved into socialism and autocracy and was present surviving nether ideology and capitalism, oregon arsenic adjacent to it arsenic the transitional system could get.

On apical of that had been the broader changes, those of the satellite successful general. Phones having longer and longer cords, until they had nary cords astatine all; computers being contraptions retired of sci-fi movies, until they became cubes perched connected our desks, getting thinner and sleeker implicit the years.

And then, of course, the changeless changes astatine home. My parents operating betwixt their 3 modular settings: togetherness, indifference, and vile fighting. I ne'er knew erstwhile I walked done the doorway aft schoolhouse if I’d find them threatening divorcement oregon laughing implicit coffee. Me too, morphing implicit time, from the dutiful girl ever trying to appease them to a rebellious one, until, aft the yellowish footwear incident, I turned into a clammed shell, waiting retired the past 2 years I had to unrecorded with them.

Those archetypal months aft I moved to Zagreb marked a caller start. Everything smelled of state and possibility, my lungs stretching retired for afloat inhales, my shoulders relaxing.

I went to classes, met caller friends, and partied with the fewer aged ones I had. I ate successful pupil cafeterias redolent of fried chicken, kale, and pasta Bolognese, the smells unsocial making the abstraction consciousness overcrowded. In these archetypal months it was casual to judge that I could beryllium a antithetic person, 1 unaffected by my beingness backmost home.

But arsenic the wintertime tightened its acold grip, the newness of Zagreb started to deterioration off, and I recovered myself longing for the stone-built walls of the hometown I’d been truthful anxious to leave, for its bluish skies and sea, for its acquainted pulse and rhythm. The spread I thought I’d near backmost successful Zadar revealed itself again, and betwixt each the java dates and large pupil parties and crowded assemblage classes, I couldn’t find a mode to weld it shut.

That nighttime successful January, my champion person Tara talked maine into going out. It was her birthday, and she was throwing a enactment successful a barroom successful Zagreb’s center. The barroom was tiny and packed with students, Red Hot Chili Peppers pumping done the speakers arsenic we poured inexpensive brew down our throats. My fellow was there, if that’s what I could telephone him. He was idiosyncratic I’d been seeing for a month, but I could already archer we weren’t going anywhere. I sat adjacent to him with eyes glazed implicit arsenic helium and his person droned connected astir immoderate video game.

Suddenly, “One-Armed Scissor” chopped consecutive done “Californication.”

The country jolted to a halt. Everyone stopped talking and looked toward the stereo down the counter, wherever a gangly feline with soiled blond hairsbreadth wearing a grey hoodie was pushing buttons, grinning astatine his ain ingeniousness.

The acquainted aggravated dependable yelled the staccato verses done the speakers, reigniting the rebellious tone of my precocious schoolhouse days, and earlier I could power myself, I was connected my feet pushing person to the stereo. It was instinctual. I wasn’t moving with a plan. There was conscionable this request to travel person to the music, to beryllium successful the mediate of it. Or possibly to propulsion it wrong me, to capable myself with it.

When I reached the bar, helium was inactive there, the gangly feline successful the grey hoodie, his backmost turned to me. I lifted my dependable astatine the refrain. His dependable joined excavation arsenic helium turned to look me.

The infinitesimal condensed.

His look was incandescent, arsenic though it were lit from the inside. The country was different dim and filled with cigaret smoke, and of people radical don’t glow, but that’s however helium looked to me. There was thing successful his eyes that offered itself to me. It was truthful immediate, truthful intense, it felt astir similar voyeurism.

Like I could spot much than I was expected to, looking into his eyes.

Like I was allowing him to spot much than helium should, arsenic helium looked backmost into mine.

Time snapped backmost into place, and we were backmost successful the room, astatine the party, radical and euphony pulsing astir us.

“You cognize At the Drive-In?” helium leaned successful to accidental successful my receptor implicit the large riffs.

“Do I cognize them? I fucking emotion them,” I said, the intoxicant making maine bolder than I was, the profane connection moving thing successful me, him being truthful close.

“You whitethorn person conscionable go my favourite girl,” helium said, his words dragging successful a singsong accent. I couldn’t pinpoint if it was from Herzegovina, oregon Neretva Valley, oregon Dubrovnik. All I could archer was that helium was from the south, wherever tangerines and watermelons grow, wherever beaches are pebbled, and the oversea is turquoise blue. “Vlaho.” He offered maine his hand.

Dubrovnik then, I thought, the sanction of its patron saint typically fixed lone to boys from that region. We shook hands. Skin against skin, the grip lasting excessively agelong but not agelong enough. “Ivona.”

“Do you privation to get a brew oregon something?” helium asked, a spot of reddish igniting his near cheek. I’d ne'er seen idiosyncratic blush successful this peculiar way.

The opus ended. A man, presumably the manager, due to the fact that helium had a pissed-off look and was mumbling expletives, pushed his mode down Vlaho and turned Red Hot Chili Peppers backmost on.

“I’d emotion to,” I said, glancing down my backmost to the feline I was dating, who was draining his brew successful dull light, and I regretted the words earlier I adjacent spoke them, “But my boyfriend’s waiting for me.”

Vlaho’s lips turned into a lopsided smile, the energy of the infinitesimal frizzing distant with my admission. I turned and walked implicit to my seat, Vlaho’s look trailing maine similar an echo pursuing a sound.

That mistake would haunt maine for days. I should’ve gone consecutive backmost to my fellow and told him we were over. But I waited until we were alone, aboriginal that night, to bash it properly. To beryllium considerate, polite. It was inactive successful me, then, that request to appease, to not origin commotion oregon harm. Not that helium cared. He conscionable shrugged astatine my “I don’t deliberation this is working,” and said, “Yeah, I agree.”

That tiny courtesy might’ve outgo maine my lone accidental with Vlaho, and that’s each I could deliberation astir a week later, arsenic I was mustering the courageousness to nonstop him a text. I deleted the fifteenth mentation of “hi, this is ivona, the astatine the drive-in miss from past friday,” and earlier I could situation myself, I wrote, “send transmission from the one-armed scissor,” and deed send.

The aforesaid lyrics we’d sung unneurotic that night.

I envisioned the substance traveling implicit Zagreb’s rooftops, done its grimy smog, and into his dorm room. He lived successful Cvjetno, Tara had told maine erstwhile she’d gotten maine his number; helium was twenty, and studying economics. That was each the intel she’d had, fixed that he’d been a person of her friend, not hers.

The minutes passed. I got up, circled my workplace similar a frantic cockroach successful abrupt light. I turned the TV on. The Mexican soap opera that ever rolled aft the noon quality filled the country with heated words that made maine consciousness little alone.

I picked up my Cellular and Molecular Biology textbook, but the words were excessively fuzzy to read. I checked my telephone each 20 seconds adjacent though I’d made definite I’d turned the dependable on.

Minutes distended into hours.

I got creative, coming up with excuses for wherefore helium hadn’t replied. Maybe I had the incorrect number. Maybe helium didn’t person immoderate wealth connected his telephone card. Maybe helium was successful people and he’d near his telephone astatine the dorm. Maybe idiosyncratic had stolen his phone.

And past the much agonizing reasons. Maybe helium didn’t retrieve me. Or possibly helium did, and helium was choosing not to respond. Maybe helium work the substance and laughed astatine my audacity, astatine the thought of the 2 of america together.

I went backmost to that night, dissecting it successful detail. That moment, erstwhile it had each stilled betwixt us, was it real?

I couldn’t tell. I had nary thought however that was expected to feel.

Just a twelvemonth before, successful my elder twelvemonth successful precocious school, our Croatian teacher had tasked the people with penning an effort connected the taxable of Shakespeare’s punctuation “To thine ain aforesaid beryllium true.” The punctuation dug into the symptom that had lain dormant passim my teen years, that duality of beingness I had embraced—the armor offered up to the world, and the gentle essence it was meant to shield. How I’d learned to fell the brushed parts of myself, similar a crustacean. Writing that essay, I didn’t censor myself. I couldn’t fuss to; it was our past precocious schoolhouse essay, and the teacher lone proofread them anyway. It was not similar she would dwell connected the meaning down the words. But erstwhile she returned the notebooks to us, determination was a enactment wrong mine, close nether the grade:

Feeling successful changeless symptom is really rather common, among highly­ intelligent people.

I laid the notebook connected my thighs nether the desk, ripped the leafage with her enactment off, and folded it successful a tiny quadrate to store successful my wallet. I excused myself to spell to the bathroom, holding my enactment arsenic my legs carried maine down the corridor. After locking myself successful a stall, I pressed my forehead against the acold tiles and struggled not to cry.

I had been hiding for truthful agelong I didn’t judge it imaginable that idiosyncratic could spot me. But idiosyncratic had. And that felt adjacent worse.

But this had been a coincidental sighting. There was an intentionality to however Vlaho looked astatine maine that night. A curiosity. So overmuch of seeing is successful that willingness to look. And, much importantly, it came paired with a feeling that nether the careless, messy hair, and tattered Nirvana T-shirt, and emotion of aggravated music, helium excessively was idiosyncratic surprised, possibly adjacent eager, to beryllium seen.

But possibly he’d lone been buzzed, and that’s what had glinted successful his eyes. Only present I couldn’t unknow however overmuch I wanted it, to find idiosyncratic similar him.

Three hours aft hitting send, the anticipation grew truthful oppressive, truthful overwrought successful my chest, that I fto it retired successful low, humming sobs. I didn’t outcry for Vlaho, not really. I didn’t cognize him yet. I cried due to the fact that I was lone nineteen and I was already truthful bushed of carrying astir that jagged atom of loneliness connected the wrong that ever threatened to chopped maine if I made a incorrect turn. I cried due to the fact that I had each this emotion wrong me, and it had obscurity to go.

The substance sounded. “what bash you deliberation it adjacent means?”

Then, different one. “i mean, to nonstop a transmission from a one-armed scissor. what is simply a one-armed scissor anyway? however does it disagree from a two-armed scissor?”

I stared astatine the connection done bedewed eyes. Then I typed, fingers inactive trembling, “i don’t deliberation adjacent astatine the thrust successful cognize what it means. but still, successful a weird way, it makes sense, right?”

“i similar the portion astir dissecting a trillion sighs,” helium wrote.

“and penning to remember,” I wrote back.

The telephone started ringing then, his sanction filling the screen. I turned the TV off, cleared my throat. “Hi.”

“Hey,” helium said, and I could spot him smiling, pulling fingers done his hair, the mode he’d done that night. “I thought this would beryllium easier. Given that each substance costs 20 lipa and determination are a batch of lines successful that song.”

“Smart thinking. True economist talking.”

He laughed. “You’ve done your research, I see. I’m astatine a disadvantage.”

“That’s a bummer,” I said. “That you didn’t inquire astir me.”

“Not due to the fact that I didn’t privation to know. But I person this argumentation of not messing with girls who are . . . spoken for.”

“Well . . . not anymore.”

A bushed of electrifying silence. “Want to drawback a cupful of coffee?” helium asked, his words swaying successful his confederate accent. Relief coursed done me, the archetypal furniture of nacre coating that atom of loneliness wrong me, smoothing its barbed edges.

The station Divorce Made Me Into A One-Armed Scissor appeared archetypal connected Electric Literature.