6 Ways You Can Ensure The Kids Cast In The New ‘Harry Potter’ Series Grow Up With Body Image Issues  - ClickHole

Do you have opinions about the appearances of the child actors in HBO’s upcoming ‘Harry Potter’ reboot? Here’s how to turn your observations into their body image issues!

1. Make viral posts comparing the new cast unfavorably to the original Harry Potter cast

Each time you go viral juxtaposing the original Harry Potter films’ beloved cast members with the unknowns taking on their iconic roles in HBO’s reimagining, these young performers will be less able to see themselves as individuals and more likely to feel like poor imitations of Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, and Emma Watson! Simply exploit the nostalgia fans hold for the old films by posting constant reminders that these new actors are different from the ones we all grew up with, and pretty soon you’ll be putting Dominic McLaughlin, Arabella Stanton, and Alastair Stout on a one-way train to I’m Not Enough City. Their still-developing 11-year-old minds are but clay for you to mold with the Internet posts you make in your spare time!

2. Manufacture character flaws for them based on their body language during interviews

Okay, now this is a tried-and-true method for inducing body dysmorphia in child actors: Unpack their every body movement and facial expression during media interviews, and be as ungenerous as possible. To ensure these kids grow up pathologically self-conscious, you’ll want them to feel as though anything they do can and will be cherry-picked to paint them as phony, rude, bigoted, ignorant, or some combination of the above. If you’re doing your job, these children will soon start to physically exhaust themselves attempting to control their body language. They’ll know that if they let their guard down for even a second, some anonymous Internet user could post an out-of-context clip as evidence of a character deficiency that may not have any grounding in reality but will inevitably snowball into a PR crisis nonetheless. Do not let these children forget: They are being watched, analyzed, and judged 24/7, for the rest of their lives!

3. Publicly comment on every puberty-induced physical change they go through during the series

If you ever feel odd making public statements about the bodies of pubescent children under your own name on the Internet, just remember: These kids are probably making a lot of money leading an HBO series, so you have carte blanche to remark on their bodies as they change and grow throughout the show’s seven planned seasons! By the time they’re in their mid-teens, they’ll feel bad about themselves not just in comparison to Radcliffe, Grint, and Watson, but also in comparison to themselves from earlier seasons of the show. Their puberty will be observed by billions of people around the world, and you won’t want to miss your chance to go on the public record about it!

4. Participate in social media discourse about their ethnicities 

Pro tip: Don’t do any research prior to joining online discourse speculating about Arabella Stanton’s racial background. Just jump right in and let the world know what you think her race might be, and whether you’re okay with Hermione being portrayed by someone of that ethnicity!

5. Propagate unflattering tabloid photos of them going about their lives

Think it’s wrong for tabloid reporters to pry into child actors’ personal lives? Let the world know by re-posting infamous TMZ and Daily Mirror photos of these kids with an addendum that you think it’s wrong for TMZ and Daily Mirror to be publishing these shots in the first place. No matter your reason for disseminating un-consented photographs of these pre-teens on social media, you will be doing your part to raise public consciousness about the unflattering paparazzi shots that will follow these kids to their graves. Even just one mass-circulated beach photo showing a slight muffin top can be enough for a middle school-aged celebrity to develop an eating disorder!

6. Sexually objectify them the very moment it becomes publicly acceptable to do so

Around the sixth or seventh season of HBO’s Harry Potter series, there will be a vibe shift. These children will start to be viewed as young adults. That’s when the sexual objectification will begin: Initially as a hush, and then, as their 18th birthdays grow closer, as a deafening roar. At that point, the culture will greet these young stars in the hallowed halls of sexual maturity, where they will be objectified for as long as they are public figures. That’s your cue to view them as sex objects just like all the other celebrities you make perverted posts about online!

Then, if you’ve followed the previous tips on the list, the negative body image seeds you planted throughout their adolescence will be primed to bloom. Soon, their value to the entertainment industry will start to hinge on them maintaining their youth, giving every criticism about their appearance that much more of an impact on their psychological wellbeing! Yup, whether you’re a Harry Potter fan or just a rando on the Internet hoping to gain attention by criticizing children’s looks, you can make a terrible difference in the new cast’s self esteem for years to come!